Princess Sheeba

Sheeba was thirsty. She had not had a sip of water for over thirty-six hours. She kept looking at the river flowing next to her. Every time she tried getting close to the stream, she saw a host of hungry crocodiles opening their jaws in anticipation of a meal. Sheeba had a rope tied to her neck and the other end was tied to a big wooden peg. She could move five feet towards the water where the crocodiles floated and another five feet on land, beyond which were hungry hyenas on guard. She was stuck near the peg without food or water. She would survive as long as she just remained where her captors had placed her.

Appia- The Peace Haven

Sheeba was the little daughter of Lion King Ogoru and Queen Owaye. The king ruled over a small patch of grasslands called Appia, in the forests of Serengeti. This patch, possibly, was the happiest place in the wild Serengeti for everyone here seemed happy. The gazelles would roam freely, the giraffes walked tall and the buffaloes grazed without any fear. The reason for this reign of happiness lay in the fact that apart from the small pride of lions, none of the other animals were carnivores. Over the years, King Oguru’s great grandfather had issued a diktat which could be found on the trunks of some of the largest trees here which read…

Every day, two of a kind
Will come from the wild
To His Majesty’s side
Be food for the lion pride
None other shall be harmed
None other shall be hunted 

The other animals found this to be a good order which allowed them a life of freedom. On a rotational basis, two animals were allotted. These two would offer themselves to the King and his kind and hope for a rebirth in the same jungle. The king had an able chimp, Shenzu, would keep complete control over births and deaths for which he had created on dried barks of trees a rule book and a register which were shared with all in the jungle. Based on the rule book, every animal knew when they had to go to the King for becoming an offering. The rules were simple and acceptable to all for it excluded all children below two years and the sick animals. This meant that there was an element of peace in this jungle and those living knew that they could lead a good life and for how long. There was no fear from being hunted and with the rains being usually bountiful, food was readily available for all. The king and his pride offered them stability and protected them from intruders from outside. This arrangement had worked for many a generation and this piece of land was ranked highest in the happiness index of jungle.

Oguru and Owaye did not have a child for many years and then finally Sheeba was born. She brought immense happiness to the royal couple as well as to the jungle for she soon became the darling who would run around and play with all kids and elderly all day long. Forest elders advised the royalty to have more children in hope for a male heir but Oguru was adamant that Princess Sheeba would succeed him. This news had spread to all in their forest belt where the animals were initially shocked but later reconciled and rejoiced the decision. The news had, however, gone beyond and reached the Muwazi pride led by King Swabi which was ferociously protective of lion traditions and aggressive in the field. An emissary was sent to King Oguru’s court to dissuade him from making any change to the tradition. King Swabi had also offered to give away one of his son’s to Oguru to adopt and later anoint him the king. The offer was declined gently but made the Muwazi king furious. How dare Oguru refuse my son? He will soon face my wrath. I shall bring him to his knees and take over his land.

The Muwazi territories had fast expanded in the jungle and slowly they had taken over almost the entire jungle except small patches like the Appia who had resisted their encroachments. The strategy of Muwazis was usually direct… Swabi would go head on with the lion kings of other grasslands and defeat them in a one-to-one fight and usurp their kingdoms. King Oguru was among the few who had long ago beaten Swabi and the latter never forgot his defeat. The Muwazi controlled the land with the help of the hyena tribe who were both wily and dangerous and their crocodile friends dominated the waters. The tripartite alliance was an axis of evil. King Swabi called for an urgent meeting of his close confidants. The core confidants of this group were four huge ferocious lions who could tear an elephant apart in a minute, one hyena and a crocodile. King Swabi spoke out aloud at the war council… This time we will not get into a head on fight at Appia. We will use all our guile and strength equally to ensure King Oguru capitulates. Oguru is himself very strong but his weakness is his daughter, Sheeba. If we capture her, we can negotiate a deal which will force Oguru to relinquish his throne in my favour and once that is done, you can have freehand in exterminating the entire pride of his so that we are left with no future claimants to the throne.

All agreed and, one night, when the animals of Appia were fast asleep, a small select band of hyenas quietly slipped into the grassland and gagged the tiny Sheeba who was startled seeing the ugly hyenas while she was sleeping peacefully with Bingo, the baby elephant. Next morning when the sun came out and all the animals were basking in the sun, enjoying the fresh leaves and fruits, a hyena with a white band round his neck came and asked for King Oguru. On meeting the King, he smiled sarcastically and said…

O great Lord Oguru, I have a message from my peace-loving Lord Swabi. Princess Sheeba is now in our custody and her life depends upon your agreeing to stepping down from the throne of Appia and leaving this forest with your pride. You have the next two days to decide and let my lord know. If you agree, the Princess will be safe and return home but if you were to decide against it and try to act foolishly in doing a rescue act, then you will all meet with certain death, painful and ugly death starting with Sheeba.

Oguru was completely shaken and was about to kill the hyena with one strike but Queen Owaye held him back. O Lord, this is not the time to show your anger at this lowly animal. He is just the messenger. We have a much bigger task of taking a decision about the life of our darling Sheeba and the future of Appia. So, just calm down, think and act prudently.

As the ambassador hyena left the court, a few senior Appia animals came together and expressed their sadness at the fate of Sheeba and told the king to agree to the demands of Swabi. King Oguru put his foot down… No..no..no! We have two days to plan a rescue mission and, surely, if all of us work as a team, as a family, we can bring Sheeba back safely and turn these bloodthirsty warmongers away from our land of peace and prosperity. Collectively we have more power than the enemy. We are peace lovers but if the enemy resorts to such heinous acts, we shall payback in the same manner.

Hail the King… Long Live King Oguru… Long live Queen Owaye and Princess Sheeba…. They all shouted in unison. Down with Muwazis… down… down!

In the next couple of hours, the eagles air reconnaissance force had come back with the information about the exact location of Sheeba’s captivity and the formation laid out by the Muwazis and their allies, the hyenas and the crocodiles. The war council of King Oguru now sat together to think through the various options suggested by different leaders of animal pack who all wanted to be in the forefront of the mission. It took the King a lot of persuasion and tact to manage the council members and then the final plan was made with military precision and detail. This would be a do or die act for Appia.

Now it was time to act, said the King. The two allies of the enemy are dangerous but their loyalty is questionable. We shall in the first phase distract and distance them from the main battlefield. That will leave us with only a handful of lions of the Muwazi clan to deal with. They are both hungry at this point in time and this should not be very difficult to defeat. Shenzu, the chimp said, we shall name our plan as DDD- Distract- Divide- Destroy. We will fight to ensure minimal losses and yet hit the enemy hard.

The gazelles took to the field and started dancing around the jungle. They played around at a place, slightly away from the hyenas but enough to be seen and to be able to entice them. The hyenas resisted making any move for a long time as the Muwazi lions kept on threatening them and asking them to hold their ranks. The gazelles, too, were beginning to feel that their plan was not going anywhere when their leader, Maya, took a decision that was not pre-planned. She went very close to the hyenas as if she was an easy kill. The few hyenas closest to her just could not resist the bait and got up to chase Maya. The hyenas did not know the fact that the leader of the gazelles was not chosen based on their age but rather on their speed or strength… the fastest in the herd was unanimously chosen as the leader of the group. Maya moved swiftly in a loop-like movement, giving the chasing hyenas little chance to hunt. Seeing the failure of their kind, the other hyenas joined the chase and started running after the easy kills that were grazing around. The birds on tree tops and giraffes of Appia saw the hyena movement and alerted the other gazelles, who started running as fast as they could. It did not take the fast gazelles much time to outrun the hungry hyenas who were exhausted and dejected. They turned around to go back to their original position of guarding Sheeba near the stream. They were stumped to see that between the stream and the runaway gazelles, stood an army of elephants, daring the scavengers to come forward and get trampled. Bingo was also standing with the huge pachyderms and seemed very annoyed at the sad loss of his dear friend Sheeba. Plan one seemed to have gone off well with the hyenas completely neutralized.

The Pachyderm Blockade

Now between Sheeba and her freedom stood five Muwazi lions on land and a huge force of deadly crocodiles in the stream who were as hungry as the hyenas since they too had not had a good meal for nearly two nights. Suddenly the crocodiles were distracted by sounds of a hundred thousand hooves… a big herd of wildebeests had come on the other side of the stream and were now jumping across the water. The crocodiles initially resisted any movement away from the point where the little lioness was being held captive but their hunger got the better of their duty. They turned around as a group and like a naval flotilla of submarines, dived into the water to reach the crossing point. No sooner had they put their snouts out of the water, the wildebeests had stopped crossing the stream which meant that there were no more preys to hunt and eat. The crocodiles did not realize that these travelling animal herd had agreed to cooperate and help the good lion king Oguru and his allies to repay for the years of kindness they had encountered, when they used to pass this area at the time of their annual migration, and had never been threatened or attacked. They found Appia, a safe haven. The crocodiles turned around to go back to their original guarding station and, suddenly, found the stream to be overcrowded. The big eyes of the crocs could not believe what they were seeing… a bloat of giant hippos had descended the waters and had blocked their passage back to where Sheeba was. Fighting a lonesome hippo is one thing but fighting a bloat of hippos is something no crocodile could even dare to imagine. They had been outfoxed and were now stranded away from the main battlefield.

The Safe Stream

The Muwazi lions and King Swabi could now see what had happened… they were now all alone and isolated. The evil king ordered his pride to go and hold the baby lioness in their jaws as a desperate move but before the lions could close in, from the tree tops fell a troop of gorillas. A lion is a ferocious animal but even they never dare fight the gorillas with their huge claws and sharp teeth that can bring down the biggest animal in no time. The leader of the gorilla troop, Hagi, went towards Sheeba, cut the rope that held her captive and took her in her arms. The Muwazi lions were shaking with fear as they knew what was coming next…. In came King Oguru and his pride….

For destroying the peace and tranquility of my forest, I can order your killing. As a king my subjects would expect me to do so and deliver justice in a manner that no one dares repeat it against us. You went to the extent of using my cub as a captive to take over my kingdom, something which cannot be pardoned but still I give you one last chance… fight me one-on-one now as lions do or accept your defeat and never set foot on Appia.

Shwabi was completely shaken and knew fighting Oguru would result in his defeat for the latter was far too strong. He accepted defeat without a fight. He quietly put his head down and with his tail between his hind legs walked away. Sheeba jumped out of the big arms of Hagi and ran towards Queen Owaye. The forest erupted in happiness and celebrations of victory happened instantly with animals of all shapes and sizes dancing wildly and singing…

She’s back, she’s back
She’s back home
Her Mama is happy
Her Pappa is happy
For she’s back, she’s back home
We will have a party
A big fat party
Animals are all happy
Birds and bees are happy
For she’s back, she’s back home…. 

Shenzu did a headcount of the forest dwellers when they came for the grand dinner and reported… Zero casualties on our side, my Lord. Hip Hip Hurray!

SS

PS. This is our blog number three hundred and fifty…Hip Hip Hurray! 

The Revenge

It was the most beautiful time of my life as I ran my hands across the hundreds and thousands of tulips of red, white and pink spread over hundreds of acres of beautiful garden surrounded by the snow-capped peaks of the Himalayas. Would you believe it, I was also singing the Silsila song “dekha ek khwaab toh ye silsile huye….!” Soon I was jumping onto a flower laden shikara and singing ‘Yeh chaand sa raushan chehra’ and yes, there were a host of pretty faces all around me, each one prettier than the earlier one. Wish I could remember some of their names and get their numbers so that I could keep in touch with them post this vacation. And then, all ended in a crash …. a terror attack! The terrorist kicked me so hard that I found myself flying from the bed to the floor. As if this was not enough, the terrorist on the bed shouted… You snore like a bull and I cannot sleep for one moment. Henceforth, I refuse to share my bed with you.

This was me after thirty-six years of putting sindoor on the forehead of a pretty damsel who appeared meek and docile and to whom I promised that … for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part… How I pray that the last line happens quickly and I am relieved of this homegrown terrorist who pulverizes me every now and then. I now needed help and help not from any shrink or local person… from a professional. I now felt more than ever the need to quickly train to become a terrorist myself and fight back this constant act of terror that has been threatening my peaceful existence. I called up my friend across the border, Sharif. As the name suggests, he is Sharif. His elder brother is also Sharif. Both had great experience in the trade I wished to now learn. I kept trying his number for four days and all I got was a recorded answer… This number does not exist… I had given up hope when on the sixth day, I got a phone from an unknown number. Initially, I thought this must be a spam call from Jamtara and hence did not pick up. I then got a message from the same number… Pick up the call. This is Sharif. I then picked up the next call and shouted…

Saale, number change kar liya aur bataya nahin! Why were you not taking my calls?

Kya bataun bhai, I was hiding in a bunker for the last six days where there was no connectivity. Anyway, I don’t have much time… tell me, why were you trying to reach me?

Sharif bhai, I want you to enroll me into one of the many terrorist camps in your land and train me up. I have a fight at hand.

Arrey Bangali… forget it. All our camps are now destroyed. Don’t you read the newspapers or listen to Arnab shouting? For the last four days, your people have been bombing my peace-loving country from north to south, from the skies above and land below. Anyway, since you seem to be very disturbed, why don’t you tell me your problems.

Terrorism comes in various shapes and sizes but mine is like sarvagun sampanna. In short, she knows all the terrorist tactics and is a master of all.

First is religious terrorism. I was so eager to take a dip in Holy Ganga on the occasion of 144^th Mahakumbha. All my arrangements had been made including payment to the travel company when she put her foot down… you are not going, she declared. And that’s it, all my devotion to Ma Ganga was quashed by Ma Kali at home and I missed the auspicious snaan. She shouted… When sixty-six crores of Indians are already taking their bath there, no one will miss you there. Gods and goddesses are already confused with everyone remembering them for these two months of unending devotion that they are unable to sleep or rest in peace.

Next is economic terrorism. Every weekend, she wants to visit one mall or another and I must accompany her. She will go into almost every store there, bring out every piece of clothing and then, finally, walk out without buying anything. I feel so embarrassed that I often go outside the store and keep scrolling my phone. She shouts for me from inside as if a fire has broken out and all I will find is a silly looking dress or a utensil that I must say looks pretty on her or is a very useful thing for the house. if I protest or say something otherwise, then the home terrorist activity will happen in public in the form of a solid dressing down. Whenever she buys, she buys the most expensive stuff around. She will enter the stores where 50% discount would be boldly displayed and she will pick up the things from the fresh arrivals rack. She will then insist that my current set of socks and undergarments have holes and she buys me a couple of Jockeys…. It must be giving her some solace that the outings to the mall were for my sake and not hers. I have even told her many times that her terrorism and trade cannot go hand in hand but it has had no effect on her.

One more form of terrorism is the Kalashnikov terrorism.

That’s something… your wife uses the AK47!

No, it is her constant chattering which sounds in my head as the firing of the automatic weapon best used by people trained in your land. From the time I wake up and till the time I hit my bed, the firing continues. It can be on any subject but the firing takes a speedier turn whenever she feels I have goofed up…. bringing home a bundle of sarson instead of dhaniya… I wonder if I ever do anything right. Have lost all self-confidence and now have accepted this rat a tat a tat of the blazing gun as part of the shaadi ka laddoo that I must consume. The other day I even told her terror and talks cannot happen together, but all in vain.

Oh brother… how I wished I could help you.

This is not all. There are two more armaments in her armoury that she uses when, if at all, things are going in my favour during a discussion. One is called the Nuclear terrorism which in other words is the signal to my death by hunger… the gas stove is switched off and no food is cooked in the house. Finally, there is the Indus Water terrorism. Since she is the higher graded citizen of the house, she is granted the status of upper riparian which means she controls the waters and in critical times she releases so much tears without giving me any warning that I get submerged and beg for mercy…. Bas karo jaan… I hate tears… I tried warning her not to do nuclear blackmail but she never relents.

Bhai, you are in real deep ….!

Mian ji, I have stopped watching SRK movies since the time he made the silly comment… Chutki bhar sindoor ki kimat, tum kya jante ho…. Haan main jaanta hoon chutki bhar sindoor ki kimat and for the last 36 years have been paying the price for it every single day!

Bhaijaan, I really want to help you but you see I am a persona non grata in my own land now. My people are looking for my scalp. The destruction of the airfields and our strategic locations by the Rafales, Sukhois and Brahmos and the complete failure of our drones and air force to your country’s air defence systems by Akash and S400 have reduced my country to ruin with no water for the fields and no money to run the state. All the help that I got during this fight was a plane load of Turkish towels. But honestly, my advice to you would be that forget all this anger. It is truly your birthright to stay the way you are because the day your Begum really gets angry, you will have no place to hide. Meanwhile, you may approach the big white man who is trying to make everything great again, provided you can get the visa to meet him. 

Thanks Sharif Mian. Wish you good luck. Let us pray for a terror free world and hope we all live in peace and harmony.

SS 

Picture courtesy TOI

Breakfast at Tiffiny's

No, I am not here to write about the 1961 American romantic comedy starring Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard called Breakfast at Tiffany’s. This is about breakfasts at Chennai where small meal like breakfast is called ‘tiffin’. This is a pictorial journey of ten days of sambar, idli, vada, pongal and lots of eggs. Yes, I am not egg-xagerating one bit! 

You think you can manage ten days on your own?

Ya, of course.

Maya, the house help will come and do the main meals for you. All you have to manage is the breakfast. Hope you can do it?

Arrey darling, tu jaa na. I can cook like a pro. In case you do not know, I am planning to take part in the next season’s MasterChef Australia. So just chill and don’t worry about me.

She chuckled at my blatant lie and said… Ok then bye. Just make sure you will send me a picture of your morning meal every single day.

Yes, sure, I will do it. Just go now before you miss the flight.

As soon as she left Chennai to head back home to Mumbai, half my confidence was gone. Not one or two days when you can just go out and eat but ten full mornings. And then the last condition of sending pictures to her as proof was nerve-wracking.

I opened the refrigerator and found a dozen eggs and a tray full of mangoes. I will survive… I started singing out aloud Gloria Gaynor’s song.

I set the alarms on my phone and time-piece for 6.30am and would always get up much before, open the windows, make myself a hot cup of tea and just enjoy the morning cup sitting in the dark room with the ceiling fan turning around, planning the morning coup.

Day One: Chopped onions and beat the eggs well before putting the liquid on frying pan to make scrambled eggs. Peeled and cut the Alphonso mango and put the pieces in a small bowl. Add a couple of sausages and it becomes a Supa Breaka...

Day Two: There were a couple of chapatis left over from the previous night’s dinner. Fried the eggs like omelette, placed the chappatis on top and made nice and hot egg rolls.

Day Three: With two days of eggs being fried on oil, decided to make twin water poaches that simply melted in the mouth with buns cut into half.

Day Four: It was time to take a break from the kitchen and dive into a heritage Chennai eating joint called Ratna Café at Triplicane. Started by Jaggilal Gupta ji from Mathura, this café started way back in 1948 and has since been quite a favorite of the locals who keep coming here. I sat opposite a smart looking man who said he has been living in Singapore for the last fifteen years but whenever he is in town, he makes sure he has one meal at Ratna Café. They pour sambar on the idlis and vadas like waterfall and soon the round balls get submerged in the delicious liquid gold and then when you start eating, you realise why the man opposite you never misses a trip here. Just for the records, on an average 1500 to 2000 litres of sambar, the signature product of Ratna Cafe, are prepared every day in this nostalgic place!

Day Five: The mother has written a recipe and he gets down to make what is known as Gola Paratha. It is a soft roll made with atta, eggs and milk, all mixed together and then fried over gentle heat like pancake. Please do not go by the various shapes of continents I was able to make, just feel the joy of following the recipe of Her Majesty!

Day Six: Cheese, egg twin burgers for a happy meal.

Day Seven:  The next-door neighbor, seeing my plight offered to take me to a newly opened place called Sangeetha at T Nagar. With valet service and swank interiors, this place seems busy even on a weekday morning. During office days, Murugan’s Idli used to be the place to go but now, the breakfast at Sangeetha consisting of ghee podi masala dosa and filter coffee was both delicious and sumptuous. This is a smart place with the waiters having hand held devices to take orders as compared to the menu handwritten on blackboards put up in the old tiffin rooms. The size of the dosa was so big that I stopped ordering for anything more.

Day Eight: A couple of boiled eggs with a good sprinkling of salt and pepper tastes heavenly in the morning.

Day Nine: Pav, Cheese, Hummus and eggs in between. This was a special preparation where the eggs are boiled to three-fourths level and then extracted from the shells to be mashed with butter and mayonnaise.

Day Ten: Called up an old-time friend who agreed to meet me near the famous Kapaleshwar Temple at Mylapore. On his recommendations went to eat at the Karpagambal Mess. When you enter the place which again is over seventy years old, you feel as if you are entering a temple with huge pictures of gods and goddesses covering every inch of the wall. Here we had two rounds of breakfasts. Round one included vada and ghee pongal served on a banana leaf. You better dip your fingers in the sambar and chutneys if you are to enjoy the heavenly food. We then got up and took a long walk to return for round two when we had ghee plain dose and one of the finest filter coffees you will ever get to drink. Everything about the place is simple and yet tasty beyond words. After all, the owners of the place have one motto, if the customers go back dissatisfied with the food served here, the house deity, Goddess Ambal, after whom the place is named, would be unhappy. 

On day eleven, before departure to Mumbai, made a sumptuous packet of spicy Korean ramen with fried eggs to temper the taste. No picture was taken for this one as it was not part of the agreement.

Every morning after laying my tiffin, I would diligently take pictures on my iPhone and send it to her and every time she would exclaim… wah.. kya baat…

Oh, how I wished I had more days to eat tiffins at Chennai’s old and famous places tucked in some small lanes of this beautiful city and possibly stocked more eggs to make more of the eggy dishes.

SS