Happy Birthday Ma

(This is a soliloquy of a daughter talking to her sick mother who is lying for almost a year in a state that can at best be described as between life and death. The song from Tare Zameen Pe has been slightly modified to suit the tale.)

It was my birthday Ma some months ago and as usual I walked into your room at midnight hoping you might just open your eyes for a while and wish me. But you lie still, covered with a bed sheet, eyes closed and two pipes of life- one to feed you through the nose and the other for left over. The night sister looked at me and nodded her head right to left a couple of times and I returned to my room.

It’s been eleven months Ma that you’ve gone all still and silent. Time has moved from my birthday to yours, a couple of days from now. They say you’re living with a heart that beats and lungs that breathe. But I know this is no living. They also say I am living too. But I know everyday doing nothing but getting things ready for you, waiting for my daughter’s call and hubby’s return home, all alone throughout the day with no future to dream of. I know this is no living either.

I pray for your death almost everyday, Ma. I am a bad daughter who prays like this but I can’t see you suffer any more. I pray you depart soon and depart peacefully knowing fully well that after you, I will be very lonely. What will I do after you’re no more…for my life for the last nine years has solely revolved around your medicines, treatment, care and needs. There will be a big void and surely a lonely life ahead of which I do fear.

Main Kabhi Batlaati Nahi,

Par Akelepan Se Darti Hoon Main Maa,
Yuun To Main Dikhlaati Nahi,

Teri Parwaah Karti Hoon Main Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata, Hai Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata... Meri Maa

As I see you suffering, I am getting more and more convinced that there is no God. And if He is there He has gone to the doctor to get treated for deafness and loss of sight for He hears no prayers and sees no pain. Then I think that we created Him to give us a meaning to things we never understood, where all good things happened because of Him and all evil was the result of all the evil we had done in life. How much evil have you done Ma to suffer so much, how much bad have I done to go through this never ending suffering…surely there is no God, surely there is no heavenly justice. I will remove all His pictures and idols from the house. In our house of evil and misery, there can be no place for someone as good as Him and His Happiness. I know Ma, you will soon be on your way so it just doesn’t matter. Maybe He may not open the Gates of Heaven to you, so what? Can the other place be any worse? I may have to suffer more and so be it….wherever you are Ma, will want to remember you always smiling.

I wasn’t your favourite Ma. Dada was. After all he was fair, good looking and a boy and he could do no wrong. And then he became a doctor at work and I a nurse in real life. No one trained me in this work, life taught me everything. First it was nursing my in-laws and then then you. In the past I used to hate muck and vomit but today I have got over all bad smell and dirt. I can do anything and everything. No nurse can today put me to ransom that she will not come from tomorrow. I can do everything and do it better than them including cleaning your diaper and more. Often the nurses complain of bad odour and will not touch you without putting on gloves but I can do all the work with my bare hands. Today I enjoy the smell of medicines coming from your room. You never used any gloves when I was a baby and did everything for me Ma…the roles have just reversed…

Bheed Mein Yuun Akeyele Rehna hai Mujhe,

Ghar Laut Ke Bhi Aana Paau Maa
Jaana Hai Itna Door Tujhko Ma,

Yaad Bahut Aayegi Teri Aye Maa
Kya Itni Buri Hoon Main Maa
Kya Itni Buri... Meri Maa

While you are sleeping just like Rip Van Winkle, I have forgotten what sleep is. Dark shades beneath my eyes tell the tale. I wake up so many times at night and check if you are well covered, when it is raining outside I close the window while the nurse sleeps peacefully and by the time she wakes up, the water is kept boiled for her to give you a sponge bath and for sterilizing the instruments. The fruit juice is ready to be served well before time. I even make sure the sister gets her coffee on time…funny I pay them but have become the Super Sister or Sister to the Sisters…Sister Act you may say. To Whoopie Goldberg I say, “This ain’t funny Sister!”

Every birthday Baba would get me my new dress and since my birthday was always close to Durga Puja I would be doubly happy to wear the same dress over and over again. You never missed making a special birthday dawat and even till last year you made the rice pudding (payesh) along with Shibu….he did all the work but under your expert direction. It always felt the tastiest food in the world, better than all the cakes and pastries we get from the best shops in town on other occasions. It is a tradition that I too follow …Payesh on Birthdays is a must. This year too I shall make it for you and touch your tender lips with a spoonful of payesh…hope you like it Ma.

I have seen it all and I have experienced everything. So today, Ma, I am not afraid of anything. The world has rocked me over and over and I don’t know whether to say, I’ve survived or not but I can always say, “Bring it on.” On such days, I will miss you Ma. Whenever I used to get hurt, I would rush to you and how you would hug me and calm me down before putting the medicine and then take me to the doctor. Your presence always comforted me and will miss it from here on.

Jab Bhi Kabhi Duniya Mujhe,

Zor Zor Se Jhula Jhulate Hai Maa
Meri Nazar Dhoondhe Tujhe,

Sochun Yahi Tu Aake Thaamegi Maa
Unase Main Yeh Kehta Nahi,

Par Main Seham Jaata Hoon Maa
Chehre Pe Aane Deta Nahi,

Dil Hi Dil Mein Hi Ghabraata Hoon Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata Hai Na Maa
Tujhe Sab Hai Pata... Meri Maa

I know I have not always been good to you. Often have shouted at you for forgetting things, for doings things the wrong way….I am sure you would have felt bad. It was at times exasperating Ma and so would lose my cool. I am sorry Ma for I should have known you were not well and forgetfulness was a part of your illness. I am sure someday when I am old, I will forget things and do silly stuff that my daughter will lose her head…it will again come back to me Ma. I will miss you Ma…miss you bad.

Just as I was to retire for the day around midnight you suddenly gripped my finger tight and the phone rang…“Happy Birthday Ma,” an excited daughter on the other end calling after reaching her room some 1500 kilometres away after 17 hours of grueling work. Listening to her wish not only made me happy but it also re-ignited faith and hope in life afresh. 

Mother daughter relations are like that. We cry, we fight, we shout but we care, we love and we nurse and in the end miss one another… Tujhe Sab Hai Pata…Meri Maa.

SS