The Constitutional Crisis

It was late in the night and most people had deserted the Bengali Market at the heart of Delhi. A few strays were around and a few night watchmen were chatting with each other. At the end of a long day, when buyers and sit-in customers never seemed to take a break, this truly was the most peaceful time in the place before the ruckus began once again in the morning. The eerie silence of the night was broken with some faint sounds of people talking inside the Shaymji Bhujiawala’s Misthaan Bhandar. Who can it be now? Was it a thief trying to take away sweets, for money he would find none? Shyamji, the owner, would always ensure the till was emptied to the last penny every hour as he did not trust his own workers. A couple of dogs went close to the drawn shutter and were barking but the night watchmen ignored them.

This is completely ridiculous! How can Shyamji do this to us?

Yes, this is unacceptable.

Think of how many customers we have got for him over the years.

He should not forget that when he did not even have this shop, he would stand in the open with a thela and all he had was us who got him means to two square meals a day. Now that he is rich and has diversified, he is putting us to shame before others. He is putting up posters in his shop telling the customers about how bad a company we are.

Forget the posters. I heard he has ordered special paper plates and paper coasters that he intends putting on top of plates before we are served…. sob sob…and the plates and coasters will not only have warnings in words but pictures of sickly intestines and hearts. Even our most loving fans will dare not enjoy our company once they see such horrific sights.

Don’t cry Jalebi Bai. I was told long ago that the world is full of ungrateful people. Just because you have been sweet to all, does not guarantee you sweet reciprocity. Does Shyamji realise what you go through when the halwai squeezes you before throwing you into a big pan of boiling oil, how you twist and turn and fry deep inside the kadhai before being thrown into another pan of hot sugar syrup.

You are a true bro, Samo-sa Bhai. I am sure you are just being brave before me and holding back your tears. You, too, have such a difficult life. They peel you, kneed you and then crush you with spices and salt before putting you inside thin dough shaped into small triangles. Finally, you are pushed into a big black pan of boiling oil and then served with a dash of sauce and chutney.

We have an existential crisis and there seem to be no solutions in sight.

I wonder why Shyamji picked on us? Why not any others in the store like Gulabo. She is a mix of you and me- she is deep fried in oil and also contains as much, if not more, of sweetness as me, yet the notice is about us.

Yes, I fully agree with you. There is nothing being written about Golu-Guppu. Have you seen how Shyamji’s trusted lieutenant, Sharma, uses his dirty hands to make the small openings and his sweat keeps dripping into the water that it poured into the fluffy balls. The same is with Chattori which is made so unhygienically.

Samo-sa Bhai, I think Shyamji likes his women customers more.

Why do you say that, Jalebo?

It is so easy to understand. Tell me who eats samosas and jalebis… yes of course it is the men. Similarly, who eats Golguppas, chaats and gulab jamuns most… yes, the women folk. And who do the women who come here detest the most… the men sitting down and eating garma-garam samosas and crispy jalebis. If the number of men folk comes down, the women will be able to occupy all the seats.

What you are saying is making sense to me but how do we make sure Shyamji is not successful in his nefarious scheme?

Cough..cough..cough…a chubby looking person came out of the dark and said… I heard the two of you talking and I know Shyamji’s next in line target will be me. He thinks I am too full of maida and absorb too much oil. It is only a matter of a few days before the list grows from two to three. Plus, I too fall in your category of male oriented food.

Bhature Sahab, please do not waste your sleep. You fight your battle when the time comes. For now, leave the fight to us.

We are but ek thaali ke chatte batte (part of the same breed).… we survive, we thrive together and we fail and exit together.

Bhature ji, fight how?

I know of a famous lawyer, Double Dibble, and he is always ready to fight for a good cause.

What sort of a name is that?

So, the story goes that when he was studying in Delhi University, he would go to Mukherjee Nagar for chhole bhature and he would always ask for double plates of chholey and bhatures. His friends started calling him Double Dibble since then. I have already spoken to him and he says we have a good case in hand.

Bhatureji, that is so kind of you. It would be nice to listen to some of the arguments in our favour.

DD has said that we shall appeal directly to the highest court in India and take up the plea of infringement of Fundamental Rights as envisaged in the Indian Constitution. I had a lengthy discussion with him and he elaborated on the points he wishes to cite to declare the new order against samosas and jalebi as ultra-virus and strike it down ab-initio.

The proposed new order violates:

a.    Right to Equality- The State shall not discriminate against any citizen on grounds of …. birth or any of them. It goes on to say that there will be no restrictions with regard to access of shops, public places, restaurants …In short, if access of shops is not allowed, access to food is a natural corollary to the fundamental right.

b.    Right to Freedom- All citizens shall have the right to practice any profession, or carry on any occupation, trade or business… all the shopkeepers in India have to right to make samosas and jalebis and serve them in paper plates, leaves of plants or plates with no discriminatory literature printed.

c.     Cultural and Educational Rights

The first two are good points but the last point seems contentious. Why is DD dribbling into that territory?

I, too, had the same question but DD explained that the birth place for both of you is not India and so you need special protection.

What… we always thought that for centuries we have been entertaining Indians and today you are telling us of our foreign origin? Sadly, we have not been given identity cards so far.

Don’t feel sad, your origin may be overseas but you are more Indian than most Indians. You, Dear Samo-sa ji, originated in the Middle East and were originally called ‘sambosa’ and you came to India in the 13^th and 14^th centuries. Same is the case with you, Dear Jalebi Bai. Your origin can also be traced back to the Middle East where you were called Zilbiya or Zalabiya. Good thing for both of you is that you came with the traders and artisans from that part and will not be categorized as invaders who are not liked. In short, you have been here in India for over eight centuries and you are a part of our cultural and culinary heritage. We do have a very strong case and we shall lodge a public interest litigation.

But who will pay for Double’s Whooper-sized legal bill?

I have reached out to the shopkeepers across the country through FB, X, WA and Insta. Even if each of the members were to give a rupee each for the cause, we will have enough money to pay DD for years because such is our legal system.

What a relief and am happy to know we have such support across the country!

Bhatureji, thank you so much for helping us survive but in case the legal action fails, I think we need a Plan B or till the time the case is settled, we will be adversely affected.

Jelebi Bai shot out immediately… I know what we can do- just in case… The new order is against Samosas and Jalebis. What if we go into hiding as many did during the freedom movement.

What do you mean, Jalebo? A new identity is what you have in mind?

Yes. You see there are many varieties of jalebis…Jaleba (a large jalebi), Rabdi Jalebi (we can cover ourselves with rabdi and no one will know), Khoya Jalebi (the one you get in Burhanpur and Jabalpur), imarti (with more decorative circles than me), aloo ki jalebi, urad ki jalebi and the Bengali chhanar jilapi. Same can be said about you, Samosa ji. What if you called yourself shinghara, as the Bongs call you, or Maggi samosa, chilli cheese and paneer samosa or just the English way of identifying you as Patty? We can beat the law by just going into hiding by changing our names till we win the legal battle and then we will come back bigger and bolder.

This sounds really good. Let us put both the plans into action immediately.

Two months later, while Jalebi Bai and Samo-sa ji are in hiding, the case comes up in the afternoon at the country’s highest court before the Chief Justice himself. The two legal counsels are ready with their arguments when the CJI says… Gentlemen, it has been a long day. Can we take a small break now and reconvene after thirty minutes? Meanwhile, why don’t the two counsels come to my chamber.

The stage is set in the CJI’s chamber. The three honourable men troop in and take their seats round the table when the CJI calls… Abdul, please get kulhad wali chai and some snacks for us.

Abdul shakes his head and in no time brings a big tray and lays it on the table. Apart from the two kulhads filled with hot tea, there are two big plates with samosas and jalebis. The CJI gives a signal with his hand and a smile on his face to the two counsels to help themselves.

A sip of tea followed by a bite of samosa and jalebi … the atmosphere in the room had changed from being charged to one of serenity and joy.

You can’t beat a well-made samosa and jalebi with cakes and pastries. Eating our snacks is incomparable…said DD.

It is an emotion… it is a feeling… said the Attorney General, representing the Health Ministry.

CJI says, I think we need not go into the arguments in the court over these national treasures. We do not want any more controversy. Let us agree to drop the case with immediate effect and allow Samosaji and Jalebi Bai to flourish in the right spirit of the constitution. There is enough tension in the world today and these are two things that spread happiness wherever they go.  Let us finish all the samosas and jalebis on the table and then shake hands and live in mutual harmony. I am giving a decree now that the name of the proposed SaJa (Sa-mosa Ja-lebi) Law which also means punishment should be changed to JalSa (Jal-ebi Sa-mosa) Law which aptly means celebration!

Abdul… do-do plate jalebi aur samose aur laana…

JalSa

SS