WANNA BE A CALENDAR GIRL

One night, was sitting in the kitchen

With a heap of utensils to wash

Wondering if this life of work & drudgery

Ever would end.

And out of thin air, came a beautiful Fairy

Ask for a wish and thou shall get

Just one wish, Yes, just one wish and no more

I wondered as my thoughts wandered

No, not riches, not food, not glory, not kingdom I seek

I just want to be a role model,

Just wanna be a Model.

Whaaaaat??

Yes you heard me right, I wanna be a Model

For all my life, have got along well

With oldies and kids alike, not so with youngsters

I want them to look at me, admire me, adore me

No better way than being a Model

I just wanna be a Calendar Girl

The one who’s there on the walls

Pasted on minds, glued on hearts

All through the year!

Ok, so be it but I’ll need to change your….

That’s ok, if Bruce Jenner can, I too can

Give me a beautiful face like Katrina

With a pout like Priyanka’s, legs like Deepika

Complexion like Kareena’s

Simply make me Sunny!

Intelligence? You can give it a miss

Buss…that’s it, of course there is another thing

Tomorrow is the Big Night, when they will select

The Calendar Girls for next year

Oh, how lovely will it be to be up there on stage

Wear the crown of glory, get clicked get applauded

And get a million hearts beating.

Ok said the Fairy, so be it.

Here I change you from, Man to a Woman

A woman of your choice

With beauty beyond words

Truly you will be the Queen of Hearts

And much more tomorrow night.

And of course here’s some more

A beautiful evening gown to wear

Shoes that’ll fit, bag full of best cosmetics.

Remember all this will last for only a day

Then it’ll be life as usual.

As I transformed, the Fairly vanished

Got all I wanted plus a God Card

Fairy said this will pay for anything

This money is freely convertible,

With no downturns in value.

Everything seemed so perfect

Just two things were amiss…

My hairy arms and

Oops no swim suit in my duffel bag

Anyway both shouldn’t be much of a problem

And started solving the First

Wore a hijaab to hide my change

Went to Soni & Guy who my landlady said were the best

Walked in and said Shave…, Sorry clean me up

Came in Guy to do the job

His walk, talk & style left me to wonder

If the name ought to be, Soni & Gay!

Oooh..oooch..Hai Raam, bus bhi kar

As he pulled off  years of hardened mare

By the time he finished, felt like a new born baby

My arms felt so tender, My long Deepika legs so s…

I went to the counter, He said ten thousand please

I swiped my God Card and out came

A couple of VIP Tirupathi Devasthanam Passes

Guy was delighted.

One down, One more to go.

This one was far more difficult

Went to the sports shop, asked for swim wear

He showed me Speedo & Arena, offered fins and cap as well

But when I whispered into his ears

Modelling ke liye chahiye, Bhai

He burst out laughing, Not here Baby

Showed me to a fancy store nearby

Where I saw the skimpy stuff hanging

Uuff… I nearly fainted

Oh No!

Oh My!

How can I?

Went to the trial room, couldn’t believe

What transformation!

Looked great, felt good & smiled

No wonder when you wear these

People say,” gimme more, gimme more”

Ended up buying the finest two piece

Or should I say the slimmest

He said it was the best, both the suit & the price

50 grand, Please, and so I paid him

Again through my God Card

He swiped and out came VVIP Passes to Shirdi

He was overjoyed

Gods truly must be crazy

No matter what business you’re in

You’ll always find printed in bold

In God we trust, rest pay cash

Now I said to myself as Maria did

"So, let them bring on all their problems

I'll do better than my best

I have confidence they'll put me to test

but I'll make them see I have confidence in me."

It was the night of the event

Saw my name displayed in the hall

Shortlisted for the finals

The Fairy had done her part.

As I went into the changing room

In came a man with a white beard with hat on top

Hi Baby…you’re beautiful,

You can be a winner, I can make sure of that

Because it’s my calendar and I decide the calendar girls

Who’ll be in, who’ll be out

Wow..thanks Sir but I rather do it the fair way

The old man was funny or should I say strange

He wouldn’t leave the room for me to change

And started acting funny

Helpless I said

Mujhe Bhagwaan ke liye chod do

He smiled and said

Arrey agar Bhagwaan ke pass hi jana tha

To Lakshmi aur Saraswati Press jana tha

They would have dressed you

Like Durga, Kali & Lakshmi..

Calendar Girl fir bhi ban jaati tu

Not here baby.. its my world

It’s my way or the highway

Main aisi waisi ladki nahin, I pleaded

As they would say in all old movies

Where chastity was the greatest value

Lifted my long skirt and started running 

I ran as fast as I could, He ran after me

I ran..he ran, we ran

One of my stilettos fell off, he picked it

But I kept running, running for life

Went into a sports bar

Where they were screening El Classico

It was Real Madrid vs Barcelona, 

It was Ronaldo vs Messi

Everyone there was drinking beer and cheering loud

No pinching of backs

No lewd comments here

No funny acting as well

When they saw my Beckham tattoo on my arm

They cheered and took me for one of them

And I said to myself, this is where I belong.

The green, green grass

The running, the tackles, the goals

Yes, this is my world

Let me go back to my daily chores

Let me be what I am.

Next day the old man came

The kingfisher in search of his worm

Knocked at my door, was disappointed to see

A spectacled middle aged balding man

Asked if there was anyone in the house

Whose feet would fit the stiletto he had

I put my foot for him to see

Offended & disappointed he left

Came to know that the Old Beardy

Spent all his fortune looking for the Cinderella

The Calendar came out that year

Beautiful Girls, Beautiful Swimsuits

But no Beautiful Me,

Up in smoke went my fairy-tale

Cinder-wala remains and that's Truly Me.