DEATH OF AN UNDERWRITER

(Wrote this piece in early 2010 and was instantly rejected for being blasphemous to appear in a government journal. They later showed more ‘tolerance’ and this featured in the IRDA Journal of May 2010 Sharing with you all as one of my favorite official write-up… being normal is boring!!)

On a Black Sunday, I sat and thought,

Is this a life worth living for?

Is this a life worth dying for?

For what is life without the 3 Ps

Pride Premium Profit

The balance sheet of life was staring down at me

Death to this world of woe

Better dead than living.

Being a Master Mariner all my life

Just couldn't hang like an acrobat from a tree

Never think of death by rat venom

Stabbed to death many a times by Brutus

Found my way to the blue sea

Jumped off the rickety Black Pearl

Freedom at last!

Deep under no price to fight for

All is well with no pride to live for.

They found me floating, pulled me out

They put me on a bed, took me to yard

Where my best friend read an epitaph

Agents, brokers, clientele men, lend me your ears;

I come to bury an Underwriter, not to praise him;

The evil that men do lives after them,

The good is oft interred with their bones,

So let it be with this underwriter ... The noble Brutus

Hath told you the underwriter was ambitious:

If it were so, it was a grievous fault,

And grievously hath the underwriter answered it ...

I found myself floating high above the clouds

Till I reached the Gates of Heaven

Saint Peter was waiting there for me

Blessed was I to see such a sight.

Good morning Father.

Good morning son.

What's your name? What's your PAN number?

Puzzled was I at the last request.

Father said, that's an order from the Boss

The Regulator who controls us all

Says no evasion no con up here…

Sen, AXN 3344, I said

An Underwriter with Tata AIG, Sir.

His Holiness scratched his flowing beard

Underwear, Undertaker, Undercover I know of

What's an underwriter is new…phew

Googled Windows Version Heaven

Pop came the answer

A rare specie of aboriginals on planet earth

Fast eroding, evaporating and eliminating

Sole guardians & interpreters of Holy Tariff, Clauses

Examine Risks but hardly accept same

Write Policies but hardly anyone understands

Believes I am the Best.

Ummm an Underwriter…

A job quite fit for Gods.

Sen & Sensibilities go together for you, son

Honored to have you at heaven

But before you enter we do a check

Check the credentials befitting the place.

A board of 3 Holy men will do the test.

Father, I've faced many a stern test all my life

With no vice of Wine Women Wealth

Have nothing to fear but fear today, said I.

Walked across to the first cave

Brilliantly illuminated and decorated

With heavenly music of Rahman playing

Jai Ho, I knew I had arrived.

Welcome Son, I am Father Saleuman

As my name suggests I'm here for Sales

I ensure that the census here is more than …

You know where…Yes Father.

My motto is “Grow or Go”

Let me open your Book of Life

One - You were very Creative

You wrote a book on business

101 Ways to Kill a Proposal.

Two - You were very knowledgeable

But kept it close to your chest

Never shared it with people.

Three - Your motto in life

Bottoms Up, Top line is for Fools.

No Son- you don't fit in here.

Walked into a soberly adorned office.

Welcome Son, I am Father Orderly

I take care of Compliance and Audits

My motto is “Follow Rules or Fall”.

I check if a soul has done his job correctly

Followed all directions expected of him.

Let me open your Book of Life

One - You were very creative

You made airplanes out of circulars

Of  vessel approvals and overages.

Two - You were very knowledgeable

But why Textiles @ 0.10% Sugar @ 0.01%

Sanity was never your strong point.

Three - your motto in life

Highest Price, Lowest Cover

Sorry Son, you never followed the law.

Finally walked into a marketplace

Where a Saint came up and said,

Welcome Son, I am Father Fairplay

I do a check on the character of a man

My motto is “Johnny Be Good Be Good”

He who is good will find a place in heaven

Even if he fails the tests of sales & audit.

Let me open your Book of Life.

One - You were very creative

A thousand claims denied

As you interpreted words in policies.

Two - You were very knowledgeable

eMarine, STOP, STP- eliminating competition

Driving fellow underwriters elsewhere nuts.

Three - Your motto in life

Only Marine, Only Marine

Let other lines go to…..

Sorry Son, can't let you in.

Hell was staring at me, so was Saint Peter

Son we have a problem

You failed the Sales Test

You failed the Compliance Test

You also failed the Humanity Test

I have just called up my counterpart

In Hell, of course

They are delighted to see your resume.

They are sending a rock band

And an open bus to take you there.

Went down on my knees and said,

Father can't I get a Second Chance

A Second Chance to get it Right this time

Pious Peter saw my tears and nodded

Sent me back to earth

Today I am called SALMAN Bhai

Short for SALes MANager of Mumbai

I constantly wear a T shirt

I am SALMAN and 

I am not a Terrorist.