The Anti-National

Order! Order!! 

"My Lord, this is an open and shut case. The accused, who thinks he is ‘Sen’sible, is an anti-national and he should be given the strictest of penalties, if possible, hanged till death."

Judge, “You want to defend your own case, so proceed.”

“Thank you, My Lord. The accusation against me is showing disrespect to the National Food. So let me state what I have against such a declaration of khichadi as the National Food of India."

"My Lord, my I ask you a simple general knowledge question…what is the National Animal of India and why was it chosen?”

Judge, “Tiger is the national animal and it was chosen for its magnificent and royal look and gives the country a good image.”

“Thank you My Lord. Now look at the logic of Kichadi being named- it is eaten by all in some form all over the country. Compare this logic to where all a tiger is found…nowhere other than a few select jungles and national parks and yet we chose such an animal and not cow, which is found in every state, district, town, road and gully. Sorry for using the holy cow as an example to prove my point. Tiger is known as the Lord of the Jungle and known for its strength, power, agility and beauty…remember William Blake, Sir, when he wrote Tiger Tiger…surely you remember Sir but still for the sake of others let me repeat it.

Tiger Tiger burning bright

In the forests of the night.

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

Yes Sir, only a truly immortal and supernatural power could have created such a beautiful creature. Can we say the same about the beauty, taste and presentation of our recently declared National Food, that will evoke such poetic lines?"

"May I now ask the famous chef Sanjeev Kapoor to step into the witness box to answer my next set of questions.”

Sanjeev looks amused yet steps in.

“Sir, you are a great chef and have helped my wife make some edible stuff which is far better than what I ate before you appeared on the gluttony horizon. Sir, please tell me, what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of khichadi?”

Sanjeev, an honest chef, says, “Sick person and hospital.”

“That’s it. My Lord, this food brings to mind those days when you have an upset stomach, when you have fever and every time anyone is admitted to a hospital, this yellow shit looking stuff is what he gets to eat without fail.”

“Mr. Sen this is an Honourable Court and your four-letter word is to be expunged from the recordings.”

“No, my Lord, please let me explain to you why I used the word. Sir, eating Khichadi in a food rich country as ours, is similar to finding muck on the roads of the world’s cleanest city, Singapore. Think of a foreign tourist who comes to India for the first time and goes into an eating joint and happily asks for the National Dish. The waiter brings a thali of some yellow looking stuff and places it before the unsuspecting man. The tourist’s eyes will pop up and you know the conversation he will have inside his head…

This looks like sh** but can’t be sh** for this is foodie’s paradise India

This smells like sh** but can’t be sh** for this is spice country of India

Even after this, if he finds the courage to take a spoon full of it, I am sure he will come to the same conclusion…"

My Lord, the whole world knows how rich and varied India is in its foods and spices…every area has its own unique specialty. How disappointing, My Lord, will you and all of us feel?”

The judge has a handkerchief over his face and asks the Super Chef to counter. Mr. Kapoor is now poor in arguments and lets it pass.

“So if not khichadi, what according to you should be the National Food of India?”  asked the Judge.

“With your permission, I wish to ask you a simple question. What is the Indian Currency called?”

“Indian Rupee. But what’s that got to do with food?”

The accused asks for one note from the judge and continues, “Sir, on the reverse of this note are 17 languages and not one. Sir, India is too diverse and that is what makes it so beautiful. We are like a mosaic…all different and scattered and no symmetry and yet when you see us as a whole, we look a piece of art…”

The note is handed back to the judge who doesn’t put it in his wallet but gives it a re-look and smiles.

“Sir, but if you have to still think of some food which is eaten all over the country and yet is delicious, aromatic, exotic and yet mundane at the same time and you would be happy to serve it if a guest were to come to your house, is Biriyani. Just thinking about it salivates your tongue and gives you pleasure. Do not brush it aside, just because Biriyani is a Urdu word. It is as Indian as you and me. Deny it the status just because it is non-vegetarian, you do it at your own risk for 72% of Indians are non-vegetarians. So just because some high ranking people in the executive are vegetarians, we must do butt-licking and impose on the vast majority a dish which is like comparing Jantar Mantar to the Taj Mahal. Incidentally, Sir, when people lick the butt too often, we all know what comes outta there… Let me also add that when you go to Pure Veg eating joints, they do serve you Veg Biriyani cooked with gobi and alu like the way the entire veggie community enjoys Veg-Chinese…Gobi Manchurian and Paneer in Szechuan sauce being the ultimate delicacies."

"Now let me speak about the dish called Biriyani."

"The first thing that comes to mind when I think of Biriyani is Hyderabadi Biriyani. No visit to the city is complete without a meal at Paradise and also packing a plateful for home. It is made with Basmati rice, spices and meat. These ingredients are common to all forms of Biriyani cooked at different parts of the country in their own style and is eaten at the best of eating places and also eaten by the poorest of the poor for whom this dish is one wholesome meal…all in one, at prices which are paid for sometimes in plastic currency but at other times, just pittance, which all can afford."

"From Hyderabad, let me take you across to Lucknow, which apart from the famous Tunday Kebabs, is known for its Awadhi Dum Biriyani. This is cooked with rice being boiled separately in spiced water and then layered with meat, then the utensil is sealed and finally cooked over low heat until done. The vegetarian version is called Thehri Biriyani."

"Let me now take you down south to Kerala where you will find Malabar Biriyani and also Thalaserry Biriyani. In Malabar Biriyani you add huge quantities of spices and also add cashew nuts, sultana raisins. There is also Ambur/ Vaniyambadi Biriyani cooked in Vellore District in NE Tamil Nadu where Biriyani is accompanied by Dhalcha made of a sour brinjal curry and pachadi or raita which is sliced onions mixed with curd, tomato, chillies and salt. And who can miss the famous Chettinad Biriyani of Tamil Nadu which is made of sambar rice with spices and ghee and taken with a spicy tangy mutton gravy. They also add curry leaves to the dish."

"Come with me to Kolkata and let me treat you to the famous Arsalan and Royal Biriyani. The Biriyani here evolved from the Lucknow syle when Awadh’s last Nawab Wajid Ali Shah was exiled to Kolkata and he brought with his entourage, many cooks. The Calcutta Biriyani is much lighter on spices. They marinate primarily using nutmeg, cinnamon, mace along with cloves and cardamom in the yoghurt based marinade for the meat which is cooked separately from rice. This combination of spices gives it a distinct flavour as compared to other styles of Biriyani. The rice is flavoured with ketaki water or rose water along with saffron to give it flavour and a light yellowish colour. Here, you might find potato and eggs in your famed Biriyani."

"From East to the West where you can find Memoni, Bohri and Sindhi Biriyanis. Upwards North welcome to Delhi and the Vibrant Delhi if I may so say…places near the Jama Masjid and Nizammudin’s Dargah are teaming with Biriyani joints, each one better than the other. All of them, however, will say their’s is the Original Shahi Biriyani which traces its origin to the Mughal Emperors."

"Sir, every part of this country has its own variety of Biriyani and is loved by all. I do not favour one dish out of so many that this country has to offer to be named the National Dish, but if there was a choice, Biriyani would outstrip Khichadi in every respect. Biriyani is like listening to the beautiful lyrics of Sahir Ludhianvi set to the tunes of S.D. Burman and sung by Kishore and Rafi to the Khichadi of Mika and Honey Singh we get to hear."

"Sir, people are fighting in your courts about Right to Privacy. My fight is for Right to Life…the Right to Food which is far more primary than privacy. Some people are misinterpreting the Prime Minister’s clarion call of, “Na Khaaunga, Na Khane Doonga,” (Nor will I eat, nor will I let anyone eat). The man’s intention was Corruption and Bribery…I won’t accept bribes and will not let anyone take it. By imposing Khichadi as the National Food, they are taking away my fundamental right to living and surviving. Next they will ask me to stand up and eat this food when it is laid before me, for after all you must show respect to all National Symbols!”

The judge is disgusted and refers the matter to the people of this country, “Let there be a plebiscite to decide the National Food. Till then, this in-Sen-sible man must stay behind bars as the charges stand till people decide against it.  The Super Chef Kapoor is also to be put behind bars as this court believes in equitable treatment.”

As My Lord is returning home, he gets a call from his loving wife back home. He incidentally asks her, “What are you cooking for dinner this evening, Darling?” “I was planning to cook Khichadi with alu bhaji today,” and the judge’s mind goes to the proceedings of the court and all the obnoxious and un-courtly un-parliamentary things said. He quickly tells her, “Darling, how about eating out today? I discovered today an authentic historical Mughlai food place called, Karim’s, where they’ve been cooking some excellent Biriyani over the last two hundred years.” “I love you Darling!” came the happy reply from the other side, something the Judge had been waiting to hear for long.

Watch Republic tonight when Arnab asks, “The Nation Wants to Know- Khichadi or Biriyani?”

SS