Goat Tales

Serengeti in Northern Tanzania is a dangerous place on earth. Here Darwin’s theory of survival of the fittest is seen at every moment and in every inch of this gorgeous jungle land. An antelope has to run fast or else the lion will eat it up and the lion has to increase its running speed every day or else will go hungry and die. This is the home to the most ferocious animals including lions, cheetahs, leopards, wild dogs and hyenas. It is here that tourists like us throng to see the great migration of the wildebeest from Serengeti to Masai Mara in Kenya. In this migration, anything that comes in the animal way is trampled and crushed to death. In short, this is no place for weaklings and docile ones.

As I watch through my magnificent Nikon binoculars, the spectacle of the animal world and fauna in this beautiful part of the earth, I suddenly see a strange sight….. I train my eyes… can’t believe in what I am seeing so rub my glasses clean and look again…. Am I hallucinating?  I look at my fellow tourists in the open top jeep and their jaw dropping looks tell me that they too are bewildered at what they are seeing…. Four goats are walking freely and no one seems to be attacking them. Instead they are giving these four goats the right of way and standing aside. The elephants are raising their trunks and blowing their trumpets in full glory. The giraffes are standing on either side as if giving the goats a victory parade. The lions are keeping their distance and not coming close to the path these goats are treading and also keeping the wily hyenas away from harming the four friends.

As the goats come closer, the visibility gets better. I can now see the faces of the goats. The two at the back seem to have beards and the two in front do not even have a speck of hair on their faces… they are clean shaven. While three of the goats look slightly mature, one looks relatively young and impatient. He often runs ahead of the others and then returns to the flock. The goats are now not just walking but have a gait which looks more like the steps of a trained Flamenco dancer…. Each one of the four has the flexibility of a ballerina. The other animals now start offering the goats fruits. The two at the back are given a musk melon each. The two gracefully manoeuvre the fruit between their feet and dribble to the right and left and between the large herds of onlooking animals who exclaim with joy at this wonderful sight. One elephant throws a melon high in the air and one of the goats in the front of the pack jumps on his front two feet and reaches the height of the standing elephant and crashes his head on the melon breaking it into smithereens and spilling it over to the other animals who laugh and make a happy sound with the loud tapping of their feet. Balu, the bear, rolls another melon to the youngest goat in front and the youngster holds the fruit close to his feet and runs speedily throwing up mud all around and after a burst of almost a hundred metres, hits the melon with his right front foot. The melon suddenly bursts out like the volley from cannon on a galley. The melon travels hard and fast and I can see it approaching the place where we are watching this wonderful sight…. But before we can take cover, the melon crashes against out vehicle and all we hear is a huge bang… we almost fall off the jeep. Fortunately, we find ourselves safe and we get off the jeep and find a huge dent at the back of the vehicle as if it has been hit by a massive sledgehammer.

Having survived the melon attack, we go up the vehicle once more and cautiously stand up to see the movement of the goats. Now, even without the binoculars, we are able to see the drama unfolding. As the dancing goats move ahead, we see a convoy of camels and horses which seem laden with treasures, big and small, of gold and silver. I am pretty much bedazzled at this sight… what is happening? Who are these goats? Was I still mentally living in the times of the World Cup and seeing everything through the lens of the ball playing on the green fields. I put down the binoculars and see the goats passing by our vehicle with the convoy following them religiously.

I ask our driver and co-passengers to drive behind these magical goats but they refuse. It seems they have had enough of a crazy and unbelievable day and cannot stand it anymore. I get off the vehicle and start walking behind the convoy…. even running fast to get a better glimpse of the goats. The four, nonchalantly, keep moving ahead oblivious of any other soul right, left or centre. In some time, the four reach a huge structure which is shining brightly as sun’s ray’s fall on it. It looks like a huge dome with a big gate in front. The place looks  quite like a temple of old. There is a big, burly guard at the entrance who opens the gate even without asking any question, as if he is waiting for these goats to arrive. But the moment I try entering, he just says, No…no one but goats can enter here.

I am a journalist who writes in newspapers. Even your gods want us to write good things about them so you need to let me in.

Ok but no photography inside the temple please.

Ok. Thanks.

As I walk in, I see the four goats who have all gone inside the temple and are looking at the huge life like statues and pictures of the Champions of the Past….

Maradona with his locks of hair and fist raised in the sky…
Cruyff with his straight hair and slim body wrapped in orange….
Garrincha the dribbling genius….
Eusibio ,the Portuguese legend ,who almost singlehandedly took his country to victory…
Puskas the Magyar who is oft regarded as the most gifted player of all times…
Lev Yashin, the Russian goalkeeper was seen in a diving posture….
Zico, Zidane, Platini, George Best, Charlton…. You name it and they were there…The Gods of Football!

A man walks up to the goats and announces…. Hello. I am Franz Beckenbauer and I am the Master of Ceremonies here. We shall be examining your credentials first. How do you want me to start…alphabetically or age wise?

The youngest goat shouts…age wise and the youngest goes first.

Kylian  Mbappe

World Cup: 1 2018
Golden Boot: 1 2022
French Championship: 5
UEFA Championship: 1
French Cup Winner: 3
European Under 19 Winner: 1

At a young age of 24, you sure have achieved a lot and I am sure you will bring more glory to the game and your country in coming times. But I am denying you entry into the sanctum sanctorum now for this recognition has to be earned with consistent performance over many years. Wait for a few more years and I am sure your list of achievements will grow bigger than anyone in this hall. But, for now, the answer is not yet ready to be anointed.

The young goat sat down on the floor looking utterly dejected...what more do they expect of me?

Next, who wishes to come forward.

Forward…me…Ronaldo.

We already have one too many Ronaldos here. One is simply a Ronaldo and then there is one Ronaldiniho in the hall of fame. We can’t add another. It is getting very confusing.

No confusion. I am CR7… you can call me Christiano and here are my credentials. Don’t you dare keep me out of the game. I simply go mad. I want to be there, right up there forever!

Ballon d’Or: 5 times
Champions League, English Premier League, La Liga……..the list is unending.

You do have quite a list ,CR7. The only thing missing from your glittering showcase is possibly World Cup. Other than that, you’ve won everything. A very deserving candidate for sure. Please go and sit on the golden chair to the right there.

Ronaldo, in his typical style after scoring each of his thousand goals, jumps high, puts his fist together in an arch and then as he hits the ground, spreads his legs wide, chest out and arms stretched out as if saying….I am the Best! Oh yes, you are the Best!!

Now the third goat walks up to Franz and shows him his trophies and medals…

Luka Modric

Ballon D’Or: 1 2018
Champions League Winner: 5 times
La Liga: 3 times with Real Madrid
Player of the Year: 7 times
FIFA Best Player: 1 2018

You’ve been such a Champion for your country having taken them to World Cup Final and Semi-finals almost single-handedly. If you were born a Brazilian, French or German, you surely would have had a few World Cups in your closet. Your credentials are very impressive Luka but not enough for the place we are in. My apologies O Champion of the Balkans.

The last goat is sitting quietly, patiently waiting for his turn. As the goat is unloading the cups, trophies and medals, Franz comes over to say…. Not required dear Messi. We already have all the details and God himself awaits your arrival eagerly.

Can I just take this one piece of trophy that I finally won…? Just can’t let it out of my hands or sight…

Sure…you’ve earned it and deserve to keep it with you. How hard you’ve worked for it, how long you’ve waited for it, how many abuses over the years you have heard for it…. Now it is yours and yours alone. We shall make your statue here sleeping with the trophy…. It will be unique and a wonderful tribute to your legacy.

CR7 and Messi go into the inner room which is dark till they step in… it is immediately illuminated in the most beautiful ,colourful lights. The music begins to play a victorious tune. Inside they see a man on a large couch with thin tubes hanging all over his arms, legs and face. As they approach him, they can see that despite the pain, his smile is intact and his eyes are dark and welcoming…. He raises his arms and signals to them to come closer. As they go closer, the man takes out a sceptre from under his pillow and touches the two goats gently on their heads and Franz sprinkles rose water from a Persian sprinkler vase he has just picked up at Doha, Qatar.

I, Edson Arantes Do Nachimento or just Pele in short, with the authority vested in me by the people of the world, anoint you CR7 and Messi as GOATs…. The Greatest of All Times. Your place in history is now permanent and you will always find yourself in the company of the greatest players of each generation forever. This is what you have earned for yourself with all your brilliant work over the years and having entertained the world with your own brand of beautiful game.

Franz made an exception to the temple rules and lets me to take a picture of the two new full time GOATs. I take out my phone and click the GOATs, click the God himself, now old and infirm, and Franz, too, who is a GOAT himself. I see the inner sanctorum which has flags of all the countries the GOATs have represented and am surprised to see the Indian tricolour. My hand goes up instinctively in salute… Jai Hind…Bharat Mata ki Jai and I ask Franz…. What’s this doing here? I do not recollect any Indian having even qualified to be called a GOAT.

You see, this Temple of Gods is made by an Indian whose name I keep forgetting but it sounds like an Italian name. It starts with A and ends with I …. who knows someday we may see an Indian Professional League for Football and we may see an Indian in this pantheon of GOATs. If not that, then this one is for the innumerable crazy fans in India like the one below who never stop watching this beautiful game.

SS

PS. Pictures courtesy internet