Something Fishy

Haseena and Hilsa are the two trouble spots in India’s relationship with our neighbour on the eastern part of the country. While I am sure the EAM will manage the first problem sooner than later, for us Bongs, the Hilsa is the bigger ‘bone’ of contention. Bangladesh has refused to continue with the export of thousands of tons of hilsa or ilish from Padma river during the pre-Durga Puja period. What is so special about this fish? No one other than a Bong will know. It is not just a fish…. bringing home this silver scaled fish is an emotion…. preparing in mustard paste is sheer euphoria…eating this shiny-eyed fish  with its infinite fine bristling bones is nostalgia and much more. 

Sharing a funny take on this Piscean Royalty written in Bonglish script almost a decade ago. 

EESH PHISH EELISH 

I am a proud Bangali Bhadralok

Brought up in rightful tradition
Of admiring Robi Thakur, Netaji and Phootball
We may have our differences of red and blue colours
But one thing we Bengalis are united
Is our laabh (love) for Phish
When Mohun Bagan wins
We eat chingri (prawns)
When East Bengal wins
It is eelish (hilsa) time in Bengali homes.
Phish makes us Bengalis bhery intelligent
So we believe.

It was a Big Day
My laabhing Phaadaar & Maadaar- in-laws were coming
Ginni (Bengali for housewife) said get maachh
Not just any maachh
But Eelish, King of Phish
Get fresh good eelish
Tell your blaady Salauddin
(Salauddin is my fishmonger of old)
If it is not fresh
“Maatha phatiye debo”
In short, will break the fishmonger’s head if not good.

Meekly I took a tholi (bag)
In my Panjabi (kurta) and check- kata lungi
Went to bajaar
Salauddin was waiting
Dada come, come
Good eelish today
When I asked for the price
Babu, why worry
Enjoy phish and pay me later
Don’t pay if not good
This one is from Allahabad
This one’s from Howrah
And this speshaal is from Bangladesh
When I asked the price of the last one
Wished Salauddin would take EMIs at times.

Anyway took the full eelish home
Gave it to Ginni
Who stared at it
Flicked the gill to check
mmm…looks alright
As she washed the phish
I gave her a two-rupee coin
She started removing the scales
I wonder why she can’t use
The same two-rupee coin
To scrub herself clean
Instead she goes to Femina Beauty Parlaar
And when she returns
She stands like model before me
And asks, how do I look
I find no difference in her
Between the look before and after parlaar
But have to say like phamous inglish singer
“Darling you look wonderful tonight”

Ginni then took out her bothi
Bothi is like a machete
With a wooden base
She sat down
Pulled up her saree…
No you blaady idiots, stop imagining!
Only a little bit up
Just up to her knee level
And began to cut the phish
While I stood behind a curtain
Like a little boy
Waiting for the ekjam rejaalt to come out.
One strong stroke…swoosh
And the head gave way
She smiled as she saw the blood
Passed with distinction… said to myself
But seeing her with the head of phish
Remembered Ma Kali
She too stands with heads all over
With a khadga (curved sword) in hand
And chopped heads all over her
This is my modern interpretation
Apologies to sentiments of others
Who may have heard otherwise
That’s Banglar Ginni
And you all thought
Bengali women were always dancing
Like Madhuri with lal alta on feet
Swinging and singing dola re dola re dola

Nothing of the eelish maachh is wasted
Tel or fish oil is a delicacy
Fry it and yum… it tastes labhly with bhaat.
With its head you cannot make muri ghonto
(Please do not pronounce ghanta
Speak with marble in mouth
And you get correct way to speak Bengali)
You can however make chhachra
Which is cooked with pui saag.
Then there is egg (roe) of the phish
From which you make the tastiest pakoras
Better than the best caviar.
Then with the peti
The triangular cut belly
You make eelish fry.
Put eelish in mastard oil
Bengalis like it best in this oil
The smell, the flavor, the crunchiness
Ask any Bengali
He will tell mastard oil is good for heart
Best for putting on your skin in winter
Go east, go west
Mastard oil is the best.

With the rest you can do many a thing

Make simple jhol
Made in nigella seeds and egg plants
Then there is shorshe eelish
This one is speshal
Made with mastard paste
The fish tastes heavenly
But it is not for the weak hearted
For it has a tang and taste which is unique.
Finally, you could make the most special dish
Eelish maachher paaturi
Which is phish wrapped in banana leaves, then steamed
Baat remembhar never eat phish with both hands
Bhery non Bengali like
Use only one hand
Lots of kaanta(bones) in eelish
No Bengali except possibly an Air Marshall
Has ever died singing
Kaanta laga…hai laga…kyon laga
Kaanta laga.

You may say Life is a Jhol, Maacher Jhol but honestly Ginni makes it taste wonderful, she is Bhery Good…upon God I say. Not joking, you know.

SS

Picture courtesy: Internet

Bom Bahai Dairies 5: The Red Alert

Vicky, I think the city needs your urgent help. I got a message from the Police Commissioner of Mumbai who is a very worried man for yesterday he had received a message, on a burner phone delivered at his office, from someone who called himself, The Joker. He is threatening to detonate a big bomb in the city. The threatening message shared by the commissioner on social media read...

On the night when the super moon is red
People have all gone to bed
I shall strike the city of dreams
Bringing it down to its knees
Will give four cryptic clues
Where lies the big bomb fuse
Solve them one by one
And once thou shalt be done
The city will be saved
Or else completely razed. 

The commissioner is now panicking for tonight is the super moon night and unless someone solves the four riddles in the next couple of hours, Bom Hai will no longer be a safe harbour anymore. He has shared his direct phone number and wants the citizens to join the hunt to unravel the clues.

But Sir, how do you think I can help.

Vicky, we all know you have a very high IQ and you’re a part of MENSA Society plus you are extremely good with riddles. Why don’t you try and decipher the messages of this mad Joker? I will join you on this night expedition to different parts of this magnificent city.

Ok Sir. Anything for you and the city.

Great…. The first SMS message on the phone reads….

Riches lie in its treasury
With holes, leakages one too many
Triumphant stands the man in robe
With shimmering red, blue, green lights, one too many. 

Vicky, I think this must be the Reserve Bank Building…..riches in its treasury but the rest of the lines do not match.

Sir, I think I know the place being referred to…. It is the BMC building. BMC happens to be the richest corporation and the word holes refers to potholes on the roads and leakages are the wastage of money by you know who. Sir Pherozeshah Mehta in black robe stands at the entrance of the building which is illuminated with multiple coloured lights. Tell the commissioner to send the answer to the sender and then wait for the next clue.

Ring..ring.. Yes, Sir. Oh thank you Sir. So, my colleague Vicky was right. Yes, I will convey your compliments to him. And you have now got the next set of clue…

Once she was up in flames
Now embers fly at her backyard
With music playing to her right
Waves kissing the majestic gate soft and hard.

Vicky, I feel the Joker is talking about one of the Agiary or Parsi fire temples near the Marine Drive.

No Sir. Just read the lines again… waves kissing the majestic gates. It must be the Gateway for there is no gate on the Marine Drive. Next to it is the Taj Mahal Hotel, which was once up in flames in the deadly 26/11 terrorist attack in 2008. And to the right of the Taj is the Radio Club where music plays and I am not sure about the embers flying the backyard…

Vicky, it must be Bade Mian at the backyards of the hotel and that’s where the embers fly while the barbeque is done in the open.

That is wonderful Sir. Let us go there and enjoy an egg-chicken roll while we wait for the commissioner to tell us if we are on the right track as well as the next clue.

Ring..ring….Yes Sir. Thank you Sir… this time it was a joint effort. What… he has not sent any more clues…the message reads… the seeker shall find the next set of clues…

Vicky was munching the delicious roll and as he tore off the wrapper to devour the meaty roti, his eyes popped up… he saw on the inside of the wrapper, a message which was by now oily and blurred but we were able to decipher it after getting the torn pieces of paper together like a jigsaw puzzle.

More people seeking justice have been shot
On her famed steps, high and wide
More history lies in the coffins within

Than told in halls near the tower of light.

Vicky, this one is easy. Justice has to be associated with the High Court and then there is the big Rajabai Clock Tower at the adjoining University as well. Let us go a find the last clue there.

Sir, wait. Do you think the Joker would give away such easy and direct clues? Anyone could have deciphered this one. I am sure the mad man has some other place. Let me read the clue once again…hmmmm… No one is shot at the High Court and where is the history over there? Bingo…got it! Tell me, Sir, which place do you see in Hindi movies as the usual court house where lawyers walk up and down and the stairs are high and wide…where do you think the film shootings would have happened? And more old historical books are stored here than the University library near the Rajabai Clock Tower….

The Asiatic Library?

Yes, Sir. You are right. Let us take a Best bus to go there to find the last clue. Meanwhile, tell the commissioner about our success.

Yes Sir…Vicky did it again… now just one riddle remains….Yes Sir, we will do our best to find it and decode the message before midnight….thank you, Sir.

We boarded the Best double decker bus and went to the conductor to buy the tickets. The man smiled at us and handed two tickets and said someone had already paid for us and then had got off. We read the back of the two tickets where the last set of clues were handwritten, two lines apiece.

Watt is what I seek
Where the emperor reins and the empress is lost
Hockey football cricket movies galore
Where the iron grinding comes to a halt. 

This one is tough one Vicky. I am at sea…completely clueless.

Sir, why has the Joker spelt the first word incorrectly or does it have something to do with locomotive…James Watt? The next line makes it even clearer for the new name of the station is Chatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Terminus where Chatrapati Maharaj, the emperor, has taken the place of Empress Victoria whose statue was removed from the building façade and no one knows where it lies now.

What about the sporting clues below?

Where will you find the Mahindra Hockey, Wankhede Cricket, Cooperage Football stadiums and Eros movie theatre close by….

Churchgate Station… oh yes…that’s it, that’s where the iron wheels of trains on the Western line come to a stop. Hope we have cracked all the riddles correctly and well in time. Let me inform the police commissioner about it… you are a genius, Vicky.

Thank you, Sir.

Ring..ring…yes Sir. Thank you, Sir. So, the danger is over for now…that’s good. What, the Joker has asked us to go to the nearest food joint at Churchgate station? It is our treat from his side…should we accept it? Ok Sir, will go and see if he is around there waiting for us.

Both of us went to the small pastry shop near the Churchgate subway and we were welcomed by the staff there with a big round of applause. We felt quite embarrassed but sat down at a table reserved for us as the cold coffee, sandwiches and puffs were laid before us…. all for free. All this paid by none other than the Joker himself. While enjoying the meal, I saw a picture on the wall and I said…

Vicky…that’s you…Bruce Wayne, the Batman, the only one who can beat the Joker and I am Superman. Wonder who’s that pretty lady in the centre…. yours or mine? 

Sir, let us leave this one mystery unsolved for today…

SS & Vicky