Mahakumbh

The other night I downed a double Patiala peg neat and walked up to my one and only wife to, finally, say something that I had been holding back for many a month…. I want to go to the Mahakumbh at Prayagraj and want you to accompany me.

What followed was a stampede where the casualty was of one poor soul, that is me.  Here’s some censored and edited extracts of the fateful night.

Why do you want to go to Mahakumbh?

I want to take a dip there.

Dip…did you say dip? Do you know that your financial portfolio has taken its biggest dip? You’re in deep sh*t! Do you know the airfare from Mumbai to Prayagraj is fifty thousand one way? You are willing to blow away a lakh of money on airfare alone to take a dip. That is ok with you, but when I ask you to buy me a Kanjeevaram from Nalli’s, your face takes a dip and suddenly you remember all the outstanding payments.  Anyway, do you really have to go there for the dip? Have the seven lakes surrounding Mumbai dried up and you don’t have enough water coming from the shower that you have to go so far for a dip?

I did not know which question to answer first. I therefore took the path that I felt would pave the way for my departure easy and smooth and said that the BMC water at home cleanses my body but I want to cleanse my soul. The water of River Ganga is the holiest of all waters of the world and a dip there during Mahakumbh will surely help to turn over a new leaf, a new clean and good chapter in my life.

Oh, a new and changed man is what you want to become. And what do you plan to do after that because if you surely do change by becoming an honest insurance claims consultant who will no longer make money from getting the wrongful claims settled, then you will be a misfit in this current role. Maybe, you have plan to join one of the Akharas of sadhus and babas post the dip.

Having to fight every night in the akhara at home with this one almighty pehelwan who surely must have genetic connection with the famous Phogat sisters. She not just beats me but thrashes me just like the dhobis do while washing away the dirt from heavy clothes… scrub… heave..splash and bang on the stone slab till I beg for mercy. Yes, she is right, why not go to the Sangam and after the holy bath, become an ascetic, join one of the Naga akharas and never return home. But how could I say all this to her at such a juncture, so I just stood meekly and smiled sheepishly.

So, you think what I am saying is funny…your smile says it all. You will go there and join Kinnar Akhara because Mamta Kulkarni has signed up there. You think she will sing and dance for you there under some waterfall and you will keep seeing her as you saw Mandakini in the Raj Kapoor movie. Do you realise how easily you will get caught being a peeping Tom with just leaves to cover your vitals? They will make a kinnar out of you in no time.

I think you are going beyond the limits of civility. Please control yourself.

Control…I should control myself…or what? And why do you want me to accompany you? You are hoping that I will get lost in the crowds there. Forget it. Yogi ji has made perfect arrangements this time. He has said not one Ram-Shyam and Karan-Arjun scene will get repeated. Everyone going there is being given QR codes, RIFD enabled wristbands and digital ‘lost and found’ camps to reunite people who accidentally or intentionally get lost.

Neither for Mamta’s sake and nor for any personal gain but I have come to conclude that it is now time for me to take sanyas. I have seen brahmacharya and then grihastya ashrams. Lately, I have also experienced vanaprastha ashram as well and so it is logical that I now go into the last stage of cycle of life early. Who knows when the next Kumbha happens after twelve yeasr, you may find me riding into the mela placed atop an elephant with a trishul in one hand and ash smeared all over my face and body?

So now I know why our house gave out a strange smell whenever I returned from outside, leaving you alone. You have been smoking hashish behind my back and planning for this encounter with me…haan…I will in no time bring you out of this narcotic spell and illusion of living a spiritual life away from home in a world where I do not exist…

Are you out of your mind? I have not even smoked a cigarette and you are accusing me of smoking hash! How could you even think like that? Chhi chhi!

Oh, so it is my thinking which is gross and what about this nut head of yours that keeps throwing up insane ideas and you start jumping without thinking about us? You want to become a sadhu baba… and where do you suppose you will go and live?

I will go where the other sadhus go…maybe deep into the jungle or even atop mountains. I will adopt their way of life.

You can’t stay one meal without meat or fish and you want me to believe that you will roam from place to place and survive on fruits and vegetables?

The big akharas have their big ashrams which have kitchens and they have benefactors who fund them for their activities.

Have you already given away your pension fund in favour of the akharas? I am sure that you would have parted with your monies and are planning to run away from here leaving us with empty bank balances and to fend for ourselves on a day to day basis.

I have not done anything of this sort. In fact, I have made my will and signed off everything thing in your sole name. I will not be taking my wallet or my credit card.

Will you leave behind your PAN and Aadhar card as well?

Yes, for I will have no use for them in the new life. I will get a new name and identity which will bear no resemblance to my current name, look and address that is there on my Aadhar card. Since I will have no taxable income, my PAN can be thrown into the Mithi River. I will get to live a bindaas life, singing bhajans in praise of Bhole Baba and dancing to the tune of the damru.

Quite a transformation, I must say, from Chole Bhature to Bhole Baba! You cannot walk five minutes barefoot on the lawn outside and  from now on you will  move around bare foot, singing and dancing….my foot! Just see the number of shoes you have…you could put Imelda Marcos to shame and now you wish to renounce everything and become a dancing minstrel.

Believe me, I have thought through this for almost a year since my superannuation and I wish to follow my heart now. I have done all my duty both at work and home and now is the time to be myself.

Will you be carrying your mobile phone with you, just in case we need to speak to you for something?

No, I will not carry the phone. That is one more reason why I wish to go away from this world of WhatsApp, FB and Insta. I am hooked on to these for hours together and there is no way I seem to get free from these worldly clutches. This will be my salvation from Moh, Maya and Mobile.

Meanwhile, a last piece of warning… do you know how cold the water there will be? You need the geyser even in Mumbai summers and are now willing to take a plunge into freezing cold water at Mahakumbh.

The Lord will give me the strength.

Will he also give you Dolo?

Who needs Dolo…just chant Bhamm Bhamm Bolo and all your pains and ailments will vanish.

Will you be coming to sign your life certificates every year or else all your pension and annuities will go abegging?

Hmmm…had not thought of that…what else could be a problem? I shall bequeath them all to you before I leave.

Your passport comes up for renewal. I have heard the big sadhus are invited overseas quite frequently.

Oops…that’s true. But surely, I will soon have supernatural powers to fly away to any place without passport and visa.

How will you watch Man U matches in the jungle?

That’s not a problem because they have been playing badly for many years now and whenever I watch, they lose. Maybe, my going away and not watching them play will do them some good.

Ok, since you are so determined to go and lead the life of a sanyasi, I will let you go but remember once you step outside the Lakshman Rekha of this house, your entry will be banned forever. 

Bhamm Bhamm Bhole!

SS

NB. Pictures courtesy internet