Miss Ya Babe

Sitting 1500 kilometres away from my child, who by now has turned into a fine lady, on her birthday, was indeed a sad day. The choices were narrow…brood and sob at her absence or remember her on those good and happy days. The father-daughter duo has always been quite a happy pair when it came to watching movies together. Our tastes are so similar and we watch the same movies over and over again. To the utter disgust of the mother, who is unable to fathom how we keep watching Malamaal Weekly every time it comes on any channel, how a father can watch No Entry with his young daughter and how does the whole world come to a stop on the bed with everything being served there...food, water, snacks and more while watching Potter-Namas…If watching some of these movies repeatedly wasn’t good enough, we have also bought the VCDs of most, if not all,…so that just in case the Star, HBO and Sony forget to play them, we can do it on our own. So today I share with you some of the movies we love watching along with a line from the movie script…some memorable, some mundane and some philosophical. So here’s my Happy Birthday Selection for the Bestest Girl in the Universe.

This is where her love story with movies began and this one is her all-time favourite. Since that very day she has always been Sallu ka Fan.

Log kehte hai khoobsurat ladkiyan jab jhoot bolti hai ... toh aur bhi khoobsurat lagti hai

The mother bought her some of  the all time classics and she fell in love with them as well. Fiddler on the Roof, Roman Holiday...the list is long but The Sound of Music is evergreen and we can watch it anytime.

The hills are alive with the sound of music. With songs they have sung for a thousand years.

The house is full of his books, wands, memorabilia and she still wants more! With most books bought on Day One of release as well as First Day First Show for the movies...

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

We can both narrate almost every dialogue of this movie we’ve watched the most number of times and yet laugh even more every time we see it.

Zyada chapad-chapad kiye toh mooh mein chaata ghusedh doonga aur kholonga bhi

I couldn’t appreciate this one movie the first time I saw it but then I love every time they show the trilogy. The Return of the King is so inspiring that both of us often quote from Tolkien's Tales.

A day may come when the courage of men fails… but it is not this day

For a change her mother also enjoys this one especially with Nana Patekar selling alu and kaanda.

Agar yeh aasoon nahi ruke na ... toh iss shehar mein tsunami aa jayega

He is an utterly crazy guy and so are his movies but the first few of the series were just brilliant and highly philosophical. There has never been a more lovable pirate in the history of mankind. 

Lots of rum, lots of women. That's Jack for you

This must be one movie other than Padosan that everyone would have seen and will rank it high in the list of all time comedies. Every character was portrayed brilliantly. Priyadarshan was at his best.

Yeh Babu Rao ka Style hai

Neo and his digital world have always been a challenge for me. I still prefer the Superman-Batman type toon stuff but the action gets you hooked when you see it over and over again. The movie for us is right up there.

You have to let it all go, Neo. Fear, doubt, and disbelief.  Free your mind.

She is now an eye surgeon and in this movie Johnny Lever is the surgeon who fixes a goat’s eye on a patient and we still found it ridiculously funny then and now as well.

Kabhi kabhi dil jodne ke liye dil todna padta hai ... aur dil todkar jodne waale ko ... pata nahi kya kehte hai

This is truly a movie which makes you laugh and learn…just right for any Learning & Development Trainer as to how Po, the Panda is trained and groomed by Shifu into the Dragon Warrior.

The secret ingredient is... nothing!

A truly inspiring and wonderful movie which made you sit-up and love the rebels...Apni toh Paathshala, Masti ki Paathshala...

I always believed there were two kinds of men in this world, men who go to their deaths screaming, and men who go to their deaths in silence. Then I met a third kind.

This must rank among the most watched English movie for the Father-Daughter duo and we could do the dubbing for the real actors…almost.

My daddy'll kick your daddy's ass all the way from here to China, Japan, wherever the hell you from and all up that Great Wall too.

This one’s my Biwi’s X-rated movie where we are asked to shut down the TV set as she walks into the room. The last sequence of nagin music as the heroes are hanging from the hill is just too funny.

Kutta jab gaadi ke peeche bhaagta hai toh ... usko gaadi khareedni hai yah chalani hoti hai?

This one is so special and often makes me think whether I too shall be like Steve Martin when the D-Day arrives…worried that someone will, one day, take away my little precious one!

This was the moment I'd been dreading for the past six months. Well, actually for the past 22 years.

The fun, the sensitivity and intensity of this movie with brilliant music and the actors fitting into their  roles perfectly, just makes it an all-time favourite. Who can forget Saif sitting on a pillow and narrating his tale of how he was duped in Goa by a pretty firangi babe.

Hum cake khane ke liye kahin bhi jaa sakte hai

There are many more I could write about Darling but for now remember the first picture we took on our Kodak camera….Ain't she a Beauty?

Happy Birthday My Dearest Princess.

Just when happy memories were filling my mind, came the sad news of Miss Hawa Hawai. Long ago when my daughter was just a tiny tot, we had an old lady taking care of her, when we went to work. The maid would be bored and we were lucky to get an old, used, small B&W television set from my friend Rocky who by then had a colour Sony set in his house. One night, we were all watching Sadma where in one of the scenes Sridevi makes a little puppy do a roll on the grass by saying, “Ram Lal palti khao.” So whenever our old lady wanted M to do a cart wheel, she would say, “Shyam Naal palti kao,” and the little one would smilingly do it.

All I want to say now is, My Princess, make your Life a Happy Movie!

SS

Meet the Greeks

Dear M,

I just returned from a short visit to Athens and in between the official work found myself amidst some glorious history and meeting the people who make Greece come alive. While in our land we are trying to seek new answers to the origin of species, I remembered a dialogue from a movie we saw sometime ago, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, where the Greek father of the bride tells the groom’s American father that, “when my people were writing philosophy, your people were swinging from the trees.” I shall not delve deeper into such highly scientific research papers on the origin but discover the city through the eyes of its people DOA…dead or alive.

The Landing

As my plane landed at Athens, I was greeted by an old man who introduced himself as Eleftherios Venezelos. Since the school days of confusing Pythagoras, Greek names have not had much fascination for me. Kalimera he said and welcomed me. I hope you enjoy the hospitality of my land. By now my phone had got the international roaming operational and I searched for this unusual and unknown benefactor. Google told me that Eleftherios was an eminent Greek statesman and leader who not only played a part in the country’s liberation but was the Prime Minister on a couple of occasions. He is often referred to as the ‘maker of modern Greece.’ The old man saw me off in a taxi and as the car sped onto the highway, I saw boldly written on the building, Eleftherios Venezelos International Airport.

The Name

My next meeting was with Athena. She told me that the city was founded by King Theseus in 3000 BC. The city was, however, named after her as its protector Goddess Athena. According to Greek mythology, there was a competition between Athena and Poseidon. While Poseidon gave a spring with sea water, Athena offered an olive tree and the people chose her, the goddess of wisdom, handicraft and war, as their protector. She is said to have been born from the head of her father Zeus. Her temples were located atop the fortified Acropolis at the centre of the city. She took me to see the old Temple of Athena as well as the Parthenon which was built in the later part of the 5^th century BC to celebrate the Hellenic victory of the Persians. She lamented that there is not much of the Temple left as it was converted into a Christian Church dedicated to Virgin Mary and later in 15^th century AD when the Ottoman Turks ruled Greece, it become a mosque. In the 19^th century, thanks to Lord Elgin, most of the marble of the temple was shipped across to London and sold. However, she feels happy now as the Greeks have preserved a good amount of original figures and objects in the Acropolis Museum.

Acropolis

Temple of Athena

Parthenon

The nation Greece has a population of 11 million of which over 5 million live in just one city…no prizes for guessing the right answer. We, the people of India, are just 1250 million population…surely our race couldn’t have come outta chimps and monkeys…we can do it without them!

The Father & The Spirit

Having met Athena, I was keen to meet her father. He lived quite close to her but in the foothills in a garden where the Greeks had constructed a huge Temple in his honour. I was very afraid to meet him for after all he keeps a lightning bolt in his hands and hurls it at those who oppose him and liars...Since I told him about my meeting with Athena, he was pretty much sober to me but as he took me around his Temple, I could see all Gods and mortals bowing at his presence. He was after all the father of all the Gods and people. He was the presiding deity of the universe, ruler of the skies and earth and the god of all natural phenomena on the sky.

Temple of Zeus

The Spirit of Louis

Greece is not just about Zeus and Athena. It has champions of its own and I happened to meet Spyridon Louis at the Panathenaic Stadium. He still remembers the day fondly as he crossed the line in the Summer Games of 1896. To the Greeks this victory meant a lot as this race from the city of Marathon to Athens was inspired by the legend of Pheidippides. With many runners falling off during the race, Spyridon was cheered hugely by the crowds in the streets and in the historic stadium. At night, eating at a typical Greek restaurant, met another Greek legend, Nikolaos  Kaklamanakis. That is truly the closest I’ve been to an Olympic and World Champion. 

Nikolaos came from humble upbringing but was naturally endowed for wind surfing. Greece with its huge coastline has almost at all times a breeze that borders between gentle to gusty and is a good place for wind surfing. Nikolaos, however, remembers his Olympic Gold at the Atlanta Games of 1994 when he was faced with competition from the host nation. The Americans had a huge advantage over Nikolaos as they had extremely accurate knowledge of the wind direction and speed forecast which could prove critical in a wind surfing race. Nikolaos, however, said that years of training and being in waters for hours together had trained his ears and body to understand and feel the slight changes in wind directions and temperatures before anyone and, undeterred by his disadvantages, he went on to win the gold. In 2004 Athens Games he won the Silver Medal but more importantly he was given the honour of running the last lap with the Olympic torch and run up the steps to light the Olympic Flame.

Poster of First Modern Olympic Games 1896

With Nikolaos, the World & Olympic Champion

Hum Honge Kamayaab Ek Din

Lord God of the Seas

My next meeting was with the God of the Seas and protector of seafarers, Poseidon. He too lamented that his Temple at Sounion lay in utter ruins. Poseidon was a major god of several Greek cities and was second only to Athena in importance. When happy, Poseidon would create new islands and offer calm seas. No wonder Greece has 220 uninhabited islands and over 5000 uninhabited ones, all thanks to Poseidon. When he was offended he struck the ground with his trident and caused earthquakes and shipwrecks. But the view from the Temple of Poseidon against the Aegean Sea was, undoubtedly, the most magnificent.

Temple of Poseidon

Aegean Sea is So Big & Beautiful

 The Arch

Hadrian's Arch

Next, I caught up with Hadrian, the Roman Emperor who fell in love with the city of Athens and made it his own. He showed me the Arch he had erected and the only thing that remains standing till date. I asked him the meaning of the two inscriptions on the two sides of the Arch which read:

·         ΑΙΔ' ΕΙΣΙΝ ΑΘΗΝΑΙ ΘΗΣΕΩΣ Η ΠΡΙΝ ΠΟΛΙΣ (This is Athens, the ancient city of Theseus).

·     ΑΙΔ' ΕΙΣ' ΑΔΡΙΑΝΟΥ ΚΟΥΧΙ ΘΗΣΕΩΣ ΠΟΛΙΣ (This is the city of Hadrian, and not of Theseus).

Emperor Hadrian smiled and explained, that the first inscription on the northwest side pays tribute to Thesus who is said to be the founder of the ancient city and the one on the southwest is what I built as new Athens and not the one built by Theseus.

The Square

Greek Protestors for Macedonia

Greek Soldier Guarding the Parliament 

 My final meeting was with King Alexander, the Great. I met him at the Syntegma Square or the plot overlooking the Greek Parliament. He seemed a worried man as he was being pulled at different directions by the people of the land. After the break-up of the former Yugoslavia, a Republic of Macedonia was created. The Greeks still refuse to call the country Macedonia as they believe I was a Greek and my land, an integral part of Greece. When I met Alexander, it was a crowded street with a hundred thousand Greeks with flags in their hands and shouts of Hellas and Macedonia were reverberating even after I went into my hotel room as the traditional Greek soldier stood guard over the Parliament.

George the Kind Heart

On my last day of the visit we planned to pick up some gifts for people back home and boarded a taxi to go to MacArthur Glen, a nice shopping place on the outskirts of the city. It was long drive from King George, the hotel where we were put up and our handsome driver, too, was named George with whom we befriended on this short trip. On reaching we bid good bye and suddenly my colleague Atul realised that he had left his mobile phone in the cab. Mobile today is any man’s lifeline. You cannot think of a micro-second without looking, messaging and fiddling with this object. Atul was saddened but made a call to the hotel staff and told them about the incident and the driver. Soon we got a call back, they had contacted the driver and the phone would be duly returned back by the evening. When we returned, we were told by the front desk lady that the phone had been placed in Atul’s room. No wonder this country is so tourist friendly with 35% of the country’s GDP coming from tourism. Thanks George. Thanks Greece.

Last Word

Dear Daughter, I am today not worried about the ascent of man whether it was a monkey or a donkey from where it all began but more concerned about the descent of man. We are today becoming worse than monkeys and turning this world into the Planet of Apes.

SS

Super Jaat

He joined Mumbai Office, as the Head for Agency Sales, a couple of days after I took charge of the overall business of the city. He was crude, rude and brash…being from Delhi I knew this kind…the typical latth maar Jaat who terrorized all in the capital city. My first interaction with him reconfirmed my doubts whether this man would fit into the so called MNC Insurance company we were in…what’s wrong with HR…how can they select this person who couldn’t speak one line of correct English and here I was writing and speaking prim and proppa Queen’s English taught by the best catholic missionaries in the elitist environs of Lutyens’ Delhi. This was ten and two years ago. Since then much has changed. Today, let me share with you three episodes from the life of this man Ranveer…My Super Jaat.

Chapter One: The Brute

As part of sales training, we used to have a couple of trainers in the team. One of the earlier ones had resigned and we recruited one young lady from a competitor who we all feared and knew had the best sales practices. She was Shahana Ghosh, a petite Bengali ….pretty, friendly and chirpy. On her first day of work at Mumbai Office, she was introduced to me and I did some pep talk and some words in Bangla…we just can’t resist speaking in our mother tongue whenever we see another of our breed. During the day I saw Shahana meeting a host of people, including those from Sales, and all seemed pretty enamored by this lady who would smile and laugh in bursts quite often. These are good traits for a trainer to become friendly with the people. A good hire by Ranveer, I had to admit. If morning shows the day then I was convinced Shahana would be able to settle down well and help us build the best agency force on land.

While driving back home in the evening, my phone rang. It was from an unknown number but despite having promised my family not to take calls while driving, I picked up the call and put the phone on speaker mode. I had barely said hello when I realized that the person on the other side was sobbing profusely as she said, “Sir, this is Shahana…kotha boltey paari (Can I speak?). “ I knew talking to a crying person while driving would mean I would have some people crying back home or in some other homes, so I said, “I will call you back soon.” I pressed on the accelerator and reached home, parked my car and picked up the phone to call back. “Ki hoyeche (What happened)?” I asked. “Sir, Ranveer has asked me to put in my resignation papers immediately.” “But why, what happened?” “Ranveer asked me to conduct training on Saturdays and I told him that in this organization we have a five day week and I needed to give time to my family in the weekends so I cannot come on Saturdays. He was furious and spoke badly to me in front of the other team members. He has asked me to put in my papers today.” I have been known to be a soft boss and listening to a lady cry and that too from a bhadramahila ought to be, in normal circumstances enough excuse for me to comfort the employee and put the errant employee in place. But for once I told her to give me time to speak to Ranveer and come back to her….of course consoled her and told her that she was in good hands and that we were an employee friendly company.

No sooner had I kept the phone down than I got a call from the Head of HR who sounded furious, “You need to reign in Ranveer. He cannot speak badly to employees and this is not the first complaint. This time we have been told he used foul language to a lady who is upset and crying.” My next call, in all calmness, was to Ranveer whom I asked to meet me first thing next morning. Ranveer came in and explained, “Boss, this lady had the audacity to tell me that she will not work on Saturdays. Only because her previous organization had a six day weekly schedule that she quit and came over. She thinks our company is where she can party on Fridays and rest on weekends. My entire sales team works six days even though all others in the company work for just five days. Saturdays are usually kept for training. Tell me what message would have gone down to the team if a subordinate refused to work like all others?” Ranveer had me stumped and I couldn’t question his decision. Ms Ghosh put in her papers and exited within a week of joining.  Never saw any one shown the door faster in all my thirty years f work experience! 

My Super Jaat was not all ‘Fire & Fury’ always. We had two young lady management trainees from the country’s premier insurance training institute in Pune. As luck would have it, I knew their fathers well enough so wanted to ensure they were well taken care of and given cushy roles as Underwriters. But my Super Jaat had other ideas. “Sir all new MTs should be made to work in sales for the first few years just as they do in FMCGs like HUL.” He was always so convincing that I didn’t feel like arguing beyond a point and so these two sophisticated and elegant girls started their insurance careers in agency sales. Ranveer got me to agree to transfer the girls to Liability Underwriting after two years in agency sales as that was what they aspired for. The girls turned out to be the best sales employees in the company under guidance of the Jaat King and exactly when they completed two years, they moved into their new roles as underwriters where they excelled even more.

Ranveer and I worked together for about four long years and heard numerous complaints of employees in his team and HR about his brashness and use of language unheard of in the company elsewhere but by now I knew his worth and gave him a free hand, as he worked with innovation, creativity and passion beyond words, to do wonders with business.

Chapter Two: The Businessman

One fine day, Ranveer declared he was quitting his job and becoming an entrepreneur. Never did I doubt his abilities but leaving a well-paid job for an uncertain business was beyond the imagination of any Bengali and I was no exception. When asked what was he getting into he told me his engineer wife Komal, who had been doing well in a financial services company, had quit earlier and had been working on a software. They would now be starting an e-Commerce venture called Green eKart which would provide fresh vegetables and fruits to people around Kandivali, Malad and Goregaon. He invited us for the opening of his office at Kandivali where he treated us to some hot samosa, chai and jalebi. There were a couple of people working for him but he said he had a couple of angel investors and a very good person who would ensure the fresh produce to be arranged, packed and delivered just in time.

I was more of a good Bangali who would take two big jhola bags to the market every Saturday- one for vegetables and the other for fruits. But as luck would have it I suffered a repeat of a terrible slip-disc attacks which forced me to forget carring the weekly bags. Necessity is the mother of invention and the mother of my daughter went on to try Green eKart. She was terribly circumspect and was almost sure that the stuff delivered would be bad. What happened thereafter was history. She got hooked on to Green eKart and even though there were bigger e-Commerce sites for fresh stuff, she promoted Green eKart to all her known people. The vegetables and fruits were always so fresh and prices so reasonable. More than that, what impressed us were the well groomed and trained boys who would come to deliver. The technology was simple and the website easy to manage.

Business took off well and Green eKart started spreading beyond the suburbs to deliver to all parts of Mumbai. While Ranveer was the heart that kept the supplies going and planned for new locations and logistics, Komal was the brain who managed the entire backend of technology and finance. When it was mango season, the Alfonso delivered by Ranveer’s boys was the best in taste and price. How many people I would have gifted the small boxes of half dozen Alfonso! Soon many of them started becoming Green eKarters too. The website was full of happy customers who wrote in praise of the fresh deliveries and among them were many a celebrity. Often Ranveer and Green eKart were in the news.

Ranveer and Komal had a lovely daughter and the family would come to our place once a year- Diwali. It was such a pleasure to meet them. During one such visit Ranveer told me of his plans to raise money and that he was meeting a lot of large VCs. He said the beauty of e-Commerce was in size and unless you grow fast and big, you cannot make money and survive. Then one day he told me that they were winding up Green eKart as they could not muster up enough funds for expansion. Some businessman was buying them out.  Ranveer and Komal had put in their money into this venture of theirs so surely they would have lost heavily but they made sure every employee of theirs was absorbed by someone, every penny of theirs was paid in time and when all this was going on the couple never ever complained or sounded bitter. They took it in their stride. Ranveer became a speaker at various forums to lecture people on e-Commerce and how not to fail in business. Sometime later, he joined a multinational company involved in agriculture as COO.  Recently he shared his picture at Rashtrapati Bhawan where he had been invited by the President of India as a dignitary who had made a difference to the lives of farmers.

We’ve since tried many other e-Commerce sites for fresh food but none so far has come close to Green eKart.

Chapter Three: Baap re Baap

Ranveer comes from the state of Haryana where the gender ratio is disproportionately adverse for girls. It is a state still very feudal where women are second class citizens, where only men matter and people pray for boys. Female foeticide is very common. Ranveer and Komal were happy with their cute little girl who loved Harry Potter like any other child. They had age on their side and could have had another child but one day Ranveer declared that he wanted to adopt a child. I thought he was joking and doing some big talk. Later, I realized he was serious. Adoption in India is not easy. Komal and Ranveer went through the entire process for over six months and a week ago he told me that Khushi, a seven year old girl had come to be a part of their lives, and how she had brightened up their home. Normally people want to adopt boys and then the next in line of demand are baby girls. There were not many takers for a seven year old girl. Today Khushi is khush and I know she will always be in the wide warm arms of my Super Jaat.

'Normal is Boring' said Fido Dido the cartoon character in 7 UP advertisements and it is so much applicable to Ranveer as well. Deep in my heart my love and respect for him grows with time. There are so many qualities of Ranveer that I wish I had to be a better man. But know that is not possible for there can be One and Only One Super Jaat.

SS

Madly Badly Blindly

(A Morning Rendezvous) 

Hello Love

Here I come again to you

Up in the clouds before I descend

I start making plans

Of how I will spend time with you alone

What more will I know about you?

Please don’t be angry for coming after so long

I have a loving family back home

So can be with you just for the fleeting time

You know I love you

So be happy with the little time I can spare

So Love, here I come again.

They say you are old

No longer the beauty you used to be

So how can I be in love with you?

To them I say

I’m not getting any younger either

Yes you are old

But I love you for what you are

Where else will you find a rail car

Built a hundred years ago by the wayside

 

You still retain your old majestic aura O Dear

When I see your regal shadow shimmering in the waters

Every morning you come alive in brilliant radiance

Am happy to admire you from the shadows far away.

 

They say you are dirty, filthy and so crowded

But they’ve not seen the beauty

That lies in your old shabby lanes

How I wish I could bring them to the flower market

The fragrance shall enamor their nostrils

The colours will bedazzle their eyes

The simplicity of the experience will calm their minds.

And the crowds that throng everywhere

It is never a boring moment here

I am never alone in your company Dearie.

Your beauty is timeless and I’m a blind man.

  

I was not born here

Have little of my roots here in your midst

But memories of you, with you

Are there at every step

The Bridge over the flowing river

Used to look so big when young

Yet when I walked across the other day

T’was no more than a few hundred yards

The criss-cross steel structure tells me

Of a complex world above

And the mundane life that goes on unabated below

After years I again saw the Old Taxi Road

That drove me beside the Rajdhani platform

Nowhere have I found such luxury Darling

Little joys, great memories is what you are to me.

Hold me tight, don’t let me go.

 

Wherefore will you get food so good so cheap

Just ten bucks for a platter

Of freshly fried puri and subji

Then try a pot of mishti doi and a vegetable chop

Fills your belly, never empties the pockets

For once the plastic money gets some rest

And I feel rich and happy when I’m with you Love

The love gets stronger, the bond thicker.

You make me forget cholesterol

With you it is just Hungry kya?

 

How I wish I could read and write 

The language of your bards and commoners

Sing your songs of joy and pathos

Someday maybe will learn it

And love you even more.

But I can always be ‘inspired’ when not original

To change a few words

Of a song about another love of mine

Small changes but big difference

To bring out the character that is You.

And that makes me madly, badly and blindly in love with you.

Aye dil nahi mushakil jeena yahan
Zara hat ke zara bach ke
Ye hai Kolkata meri jaan

Kahin tooti building

Kahin ghissti huyi traam
Kahin peeli Ambi motor

Kahin bandh padi hai mill
Milta hai yahan sab kuchh
Aur milata bhi yahan dil
Business ka nahin kahin naam o nishaan

Har baat pe dikhta yahan michheel (procession)
Zara hat ke zara bach ke
Ye hai Kolkata meri jaan

Kahin lengcha kahin sandesh
Kahin phuchka kahin shorsheka dish
Kahin metro kahin thela
Kahin football kahin book ka mela

Kahin  cricket ka Garden

Kahin football ka hai Maidan
Kahin Kali kahin Durga

Yahan puja hota hai har din
Kahin chori kahin race
Kahin daaka kahin phaanka
Bekaaro ke hain kai kaam yaha
Zara hat ke zara bach ke
Ye hai Kolkata meri jaan.

Dear City of Joy,

It is so difficult to say why I love you.

Once your walls were painted all Red

Now they have turned them into Blue

Tomorrow someone may paint you Green

But Dear Kolkata my love for you is true

And I’ll always be in love with you.

SS

The Anti-National

Order! Order!! 

"My Lord, this is an open and shut case. The accused, who thinks he is ‘Sen’sible, is an anti-national and he should be given the strictest of penalties, if possible, hanged till death."

Judge, “You want to defend your own case, so proceed.”

“Thank you, My Lord. The accusation against me is showing disrespect to the National Food. So let me state what I have against such a declaration of khichadi as the National Food of India."

"My Lord, my I ask you a simple general knowledge question…what is the National Animal of India and why was it chosen?”

Judge, “Tiger is the national animal and it was chosen for its magnificent and royal look and gives the country a good image.”

“Thank you My Lord. Now look at the logic of Kichadi being named- it is eaten by all in some form all over the country. Compare this logic to where all a tiger is found…nowhere other than a few select jungles and national parks and yet we chose such an animal and not cow, which is found in every state, district, town, road and gully. Sorry for using the holy cow as an example to prove my point. Tiger is known as the Lord of the Jungle and known for its strength, power, agility and beauty…remember William Blake, Sir, when he wrote Tiger Tiger…surely you remember Sir but still for the sake of others let me repeat it.

Tiger Tiger burning bright

In the forests of the night.

What immortal hand or eye

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

Yes Sir, only a truly immortal and supernatural power could have created such a beautiful creature. Can we say the same about the beauty, taste and presentation of our recently declared National Food, that will evoke such poetic lines?"

"May I now ask the famous chef Sanjeev Kapoor to step into the witness box to answer my next set of questions.”

Sanjeev looks amused yet steps in.

“Sir, you are a great chef and have helped my wife make some edible stuff which is far better than what I ate before you appeared on the gluttony horizon. Sir, please tell me, what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of khichadi?”

Sanjeev, an honest chef, says, “Sick person and hospital.”

“That’s it. My Lord, this food brings to mind those days when you have an upset stomach, when you have fever and every time anyone is admitted to a hospital, this yellow shit looking stuff is what he gets to eat without fail.”

“Mr. Sen this is an Honourable Court and your four-letter word is to be expunged from the recordings.”

“No, my Lord, please let me explain to you why I used the word. Sir, eating Khichadi in a food rich country as ours, is similar to finding muck on the roads of the world’s cleanest city, Singapore. Think of a foreign tourist who comes to India for the first time and goes into an eating joint and happily asks for the National Dish. The waiter brings a thali of some yellow looking stuff and places it before the unsuspecting man. The tourist’s eyes will pop up and you know the conversation he will have inside his head…

This looks like sh** but can’t be sh** for this is foodie’s paradise India

This smells like sh** but can’t be sh** for this is spice country of India

Even after this, if he finds the courage to take a spoon full of it, I am sure he will come to the same conclusion…"

My Lord, the whole world knows how rich and varied India is in its foods and spices…every area has its own unique specialty. How disappointing, My Lord, will you and all of us feel?”

The judge has a handkerchief over his face and asks the Super Chef to counter. Mr. Kapoor is now poor in arguments and lets it pass.

“So if not khichadi, what according to you should be the National Food of India?”  asked the Judge.

“With your permission, I wish to ask you a simple question. What is the Indian Currency called?”

“Indian Rupee. But what’s that got to do with food?”

The accused asks for one note from the judge and continues, “Sir, on the reverse of this note are 17 languages and not one. Sir, India is too diverse and that is what makes it so beautiful. We are like a mosaic…all different and scattered and no symmetry and yet when you see us as a whole, we look a piece of art…”

The note is handed back to the judge who doesn’t put it in his wallet but gives it a re-look and smiles.

“Sir, but if you have to still think of some food which is eaten all over the country and yet is delicious, aromatic, exotic and yet mundane at the same time and you would be happy to serve it if a guest were to come to your house, is Biriyani. Just thinking about it salivates your tongue and gives you pleasure. Do not brush it aside, just because Biriyani is a Urdu word. It is as Indian as you and me. Deny it the status just because it is non-vegetarian, you do it at your own risk for 72% of Indians are non-vegetarians. So just because some high ranking people in the executive are vegetarians, we must do butt-licking and impose on the vast majority a dish which is like comparing Jantar Mantar to the Taj Mahal. Incidentally, Sir, when people lick the butt too often, we all know what comes outta there… Let me also add that when you go to Pure Veg eating joints, they do serve you Veg Biriyani cooked with gobi and alu like the way the entire veggie community enjoys Veg-Chinese…Gobi Manchurian and Paneer in Szechuan sauce being the ultimate delicacies."

"Now let me speak about the dish called Biriyani."

"The first thing that comes to mind when I think of Biriyani is Hyderabadi Biriyani. No visit to the city is complete without a meal at Paradise and also packing a plateful for home. It is made with Basmati rice, spices and meat. These ingredients are common to all forms of Biriyani cooked at different parts of the country in their own style and is eaten at the best of eating places and also eaten by the poorest of the poor for whom this dish is one wholesome meal…all in one, at prices which are paid for sometimes in plastic currency but at other times, just pittance, which all can afford."

"From Hyderabad, let me take you across to Lucknow, which apart from the famous Tunday Kebabs, is known for its Awadhi Dum Biriyani. This is cooked with rice being boiled separately in spiced water and then layered with meat, then the utensil is sealed and finally cooked over low heat until done. The vegetarian version is called Thehri Biriyani."

"Let me now take you down south to Kerala where you will find Malabar Biriyani and also Thalaserry Biriyani. In Malabar Biriyani you add huge quantities of spices and also add cashew nuts, sultana raisins. There is also Ambur/ Vaniyambadi Biriyani cooked in Vellore District in NE Tamil Nadu where Biriyani is accompanied by Dhalcha made of a sour brinjal curry and pachadi or raita which is sliced onions mixed with curd, tomato, chillies and salt. And who can miss the famous Chettinad Biriyani of Tamil Nadu which is made of sambar rice with spices and ghee and taken with a spicy tangy mutton gravy. They also add curry leaves to the dish."

"Come with me to Kolkata and let me treat you to the famous Arsalan and Royal Biriyani. The Biriyani here evolved from the Lucknow syle when Awadh’s last Nawab Wajid Ali Shah was exiled to Kolkata and he brought with his entourage, many cooks. The Calcutta Biriyani is much lighter on spices. They marinate primarily using nutmeg, cinnamon, mace along with cloves and cardamom in the yoghurt based marinade for the meat which is cooked separately from rice. This combination of spices gives it a distinct flavour as compared to other styles of Biriyani. The rice is flavoured with ketaki water or rose water along with saffron to give it flavour and a light yellowish colour. Here, you might find potato and eggs in your famed Biriyani."

"From East to the West where you can find Memoni, Bohri and Sindhi Biriyanis. Upwards North welcome to Delhi and the Vibrant Delhi if I may so say…places near the Jama Masjid and Nizammudin’s Dargah are teaming with Biriyani joints, each one better than the other. All of them, however, will say their’s is the Original Shahi Biriyani which traces its origin to the Mughal Emperors."

"Sir, every part of this country has its own variety of Biriyani and is loved by all. I do not favour one dish out of so many that this country has to offer to be named the National Dish, but if there was a choice, Biriyani would outstrip Khichadi in every respect. Biriyani is like listening to the beautiful lyrics of Sahir Ludhianvi set to the tunes of S.D. Burman and sung by Kishore and Rafi to the Khichadi of Mika and Honey Singh we get to hear."

"Sir, people are fighting in your courts about Right to Privacy. My fight is for Right to Life…the Right to Food which is far more primary than privacy. Some people are misinterpreting the Prime Minister’s clarion call of, “Na Khaaunga, Na Khane Doonga,” (Nor will I eat, nor will I let anyone eat). The man’s intention was Corruption and Bribery…I won’t accept bribes and will not let anyone take it. By imposing Khichadi as the National Food, they are taking away my fundamental right to living and surviving. Next they will ask me to stand up and eat this food when it is laid before me, for after all you must show respect to all National Symbols!”

The judge is disgusted and refers the matter to the people of this country, “Let there be a plebiscite to decide the National Food. Till then, this in-Sen-sible man must stay behind bars as the charges stand till people decide against it.  The Super Chef Kapoor is also to be put behind bars as this court believes in equitable treatment.”

As My Lord is returning home, he gets a call from his loving wife back home. He incidentally asks her, “What are you cooking for dinner this evening, Darling?” “I was planning to cook Khichadi with alu bhaji today,” and the judge’s mind goes to the proceedings of the court and all the obnoxious and un-courtly un-parliamentary things said. He quickly tells her, “Darling, how about eating out today? I discovered today an authentic historical Mughlai food place called, Karim’s, where they’ve been cooking some excellent Biriyani over the last two hundred years.” “I love you Darling!” came the happy reply from the other side, something the Judge had been waiting to hear for long.

Watch Republic tonight when Arnab asks, “The Nation Wants to Know- Khichadi or Biriyani?”

SS