WOMAN IN RED

Ever felt this way when your pilot had jumped out with his chute? Here’s what happened to me a week ago.

“Beware the Ides of March”, said the soothsayer to Julius Caesar, as he walked towards the Senate on that fateful day when he was assassinated, ending with, “Et tu, Brute”. Me no Caesar, yet my mother always told me, “Stay away from pretty looking girls, they bring more trouble than you can imagine.””Et tu Momma”, I said, and moved on in life. As luck would have it, all my train, bus and air journeys till date had been uneventful as my co-passengers were  65 years old or more. But then five days after the Ides of March on a Saturday morning I decided to add ‘Spice’ to my life.

I was well in time at the airport for my 7.30 am flight and no sooner had they announced boarding that I made good use of my speedy steps to be among the first to enter the plane and two very pretty Caucasians in red jackets and skirts greeted me with broad smiles. I took another look at my boarding pass to reconfirm I was on the correct flight….indeed I was. Not bad at all. Texted my wife, “on board, all fine”.  You bet, it was better than ‘all fine’ as I quickly asked for water……please don’t get me wrong, I was truly thirsty, but, of course, the close encounter with the Woman in Red was most welcome.

As if this was not exciting enough, came a pretty damsel, in a fitting jeans and a black top, searching for her seat and as luck would have it she came and sat next to me…? I again took out my boarding pass to confirm my seat…mmm…10F…I was at the right place all right. Next, with the newspaper spread in my hands, I pushed my neck back, turned my eyes to my left to get a closer look at my neighbour…..B-e-a-u-t-y is the word that came to mind but spoken exactly the way the hotel front desk person at Ratlaam described Kareena in ‘Jab We Met’. I was truly flying Spice Jet now.

The two air hostesses now started speaking what appeared to be English after a while. They were giving the safety instructions, which I could make out from their hand gestures rather than the spoken words, which, I believe, no one in the plane understood. Normally, I never bother to see or hear the safety procedures but today was different. With my eyes glued, I saw her take out the life jacket, the air mask and show where the emergency exits were...you’re never too old to learn, especially when the teacher is attractive. No wonder my education did not prosper seeing all those Irish Brothers in their white tunics with canes in hand. A mother’s advice to the son was soon lost in translation.

The plane slowly made its way to the runway and while dragging itself to the take off point, I could feel a heavy vibration coming from underneath. Since no one else reacted, I felt it must be quite normal. Having got up very early to catch the flight, I decided to take a nap before they served the in-flight meal. For once the nap was really good and surely I must have been dreaming of life in paradise surrounded by beautiful women living above the clouds. Suddenly I was woken up with some frantic action happening in the plane which, at first, I thought was the food trolley coming to serve. No it wasn’t….the Woman in Red started announcing in her Russian English, “We have an emergency situation. Please fasten your seat belts and remain seated.”

With MH370 and the German Air incidents not long ago, I peeped out of the window and saw, what I presumed was, the hilly terrain of the Aravallis.  The next announcement from the Lady in Red was, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have an emergency situation. The aircraft has a technical problem and we are turning back to Mumbai. Listen to the safety instructions carefully”. She repeated the easy ones first about the exits in the plane and then went on to demonstrate again how to wear the life jacket, how to wear the oxygen mask… “We will be making an emergency landing. When landing, cross your hands over your forehead and put your head down… if we land in water, wear the life jacket and inflate it…”  No sooner had she uttered the words ‘wear it’, that everyone started pulling out the vests from underneath the seats, wearing them and inflating them with a loud pop sound….  “No, no, not now”, cried the poor Damsel in Distress. “Listen to the instructions carefully and please do not inflate the vests now”.

I realized we were still over the mountains and wouldn’t need life jackets. The girl next to me tried peeping out of the window and asked, “How high are we?”To which I replied, “Not too high, but high enough…”to which she smiled, but I could make out she was putting up a brave face. I could see her hands trembling in fear and water soaked eyes.

By this time a few children had started howling as the parents were asked to hold them tight. Everyone started asking the air hostesses as to what the problem was…how serious was the crisis to which the ladies just gave a blank look. We could feel the aircraft go completely slow and then commence its descent. By now there was utter chaos in the craft with the old and the young shouting and venting out their fears. The air hostesses were running up and down the aisle going to one passenger after another and repeatedly asking people not to panic. By now almost all including me had worn their life jackets. In exasperation, the stewardess shouted No life jackets and the people thought she was saying Now lifejackets. Then you could hear many pops going off one after another. A majority of people had started inflating their life jackets. Her accent and intonation were adding to the chaos.

Why don’t they have SOLAS (Safety of Life at Sea) Convention which among other things insists that the crew of an ocean going vessel must know English to understand safety instructions in case of emergencies. Here they should have had a mandatory rule for the captain and the stewardesses to know the local language adequately…maybe someday we will have Safety of Life in Air.

While watching the chaotic scenes and shrieks, some bit of worry came over me as well. I took out my wallet, pulled out the passport size pictures of my wife and daughter and locked my lips tight, smiled and then put them in my shirt pocket from where I took out my business card. Wrote down a mobile number and name and gave it to the girl next to me, “Just in case you need to call someone for me, this is my wife, D’s number. You too give me a number to call in case of an emergency.” She gave me her father’s number…she was a student at Mumbai and hailed from Dehradun.

By now we could see Mumbai from the window and the plane coming down on a sea of blue….sorry it wasn’t the Arabian Sea near Juhu but the blue tarpaulins you see over Dharavi….the plane slowly but steadily taxied down and spontaneously the passengers started clapping and shouting Sat Sri Akaal…Bharat Mata ki Jai….how fear of death reaffirms your faith in God was fine but outburst of nationalistic feeling was a bit too much to digest.

We all had survived a scare of our life and all that mattered was that we, like James Bond, shall Die Another Day. Now I could see the Woman in Red genuinely smiling. It was then that I realized, she too must have been worried, her life too was as precious as mine, she too may have someone waiting at home for her to return to….a young daughter, an old ailing mother, a man she loved….

By now tension gave way to happiness and the phones immediately went into overdrive with everyone narrating the scary story to someone on the other side of the phone.  I quickly took a selfie with the life jacket and sent it to the two most beautiful women in my life…..immediately my phone started ringing-it was my wife. I could hear her sobbing by the time I finished my story. No sooner had this call got over than I got my daughter’s call who had frantically rushed out of the operation theatre…that’s love, that’s life, that’s family.

I was carrying home- cooked fish curry, palak paneer, tomato chutney, meat balls and cup-cakes for my daughter, so I quickly checked with my travel agent for some other flight to Delhi the same day. The agent informed that Vistara was available for 10k but by the time he tried to log in and book the ticket, price had shot up to Rs 35k….scavengers, I tell you!  Anyway, I finally got another flight at a reasonable price in the evening.

PS. I once presented my wife with a scarlet red warm Kashmiri jacket and that’s possibly the only gift she never wore, maybe that’s why we’ve been together for over 26 years now. Women in Red were not for me for sure.

SS